Pregnant again..

I found out on the 9th feb 2009 that I was again pregnant. I felt so happy, that I could finally be able to cope with Sophies death better than I had been. That this little baby inside of me would give me the hope, and courage to carry on living. To be better than I would have been for Sophie.

I told Stephen that night, and he wasn't pleased. "How did you manage that?" It hurt that he said that, but he has a right to say what ever it is in his head. Even more so, if stupid old me asks "What are you thinking?"

We went to the doctors that Friday to have it confirmed. I wanted to ask to keep the test, like I did with Sophie. But I didn't have the courage. I regret that.

That saturday (yes valentines day cheesy) Stephen asked me to marry him. So we went looking for ring on Sunday.

We told his parents on Sunday, I don't think there reactions were well, I dont know if they were scared of another situation like Sophie would happen again. Because I know her death effected them too. I don't really know, I just really hoped they were excited like I was.

I was going to visit my family the following Friday by coach, I was excited about seeing everyone. Had everything planned, Spending friday afternoon with Kathryn, Saturday with Linds and Kathryn. Then Sunday with Tina and Doreane, and Kathryn ofcourse! Then monday Kathryn would have taken me to Coreanes. Then during the week I'd pop in to work to see my work friends and my kids there.

I hit Birminingham and realised I was bleeding, gee... Well I had one leg up on the pokey out bit on the coach and the other on the foot rest. So when I finally felt uncomfy I shifted my legs together and thats when I felt the dampness between them. It took me over 30 mins to look, to check. And yes I was bleeding.

I rang Stephen and My sister, I had texted Stephen that I was bleeding as I couldn't tell him out loud as I was afried people would hear, not sure why. And all I could say to Kathryn will you pick me up if I get of the coach. And without even knowing what was wrong she said yes.

I got up and asked the driver where I was, and paniced when they tried to stop me talking to him. I burst in to tears, and said "I need to get off I'm bleeding" And without knowing why I was bleeding they got of the motoway, and pulled on to the grass on a round about. They rang an abulance, and got a lady to ask me what was wrong. Sigh.

By the time the abulance came , I think I was going in to shock. My finger nails were blue, and I couldn't stop shaking.

Long story short, at the hospital they couldnt tell me why I was bleeding. They couldn't do an Ultra sound, and kept me waiting around for hours, until they told me they couldnt do an ultrasound teh next day either, even though they said they would.

So at 9pm Stephen took me home, knowing I had been bleeding, my womb was closed.

Stephen took me to a private scan LBhealthcare, to find out if i still had the baby inside. And I did, thankfully. The Yolk was there too. She couldn't tell me if it was viable or not, as no echo. It could either mean it was dead, or that I was not 7 weeks pregnant like my doctor worked out.

So I went to my doctors on Monday, and he told me not to get my hopes up. That its probably dead, expect the worst. so I lay in bed all Monday crying my eyes out.

So we're playing the waiting game, i go for a blood test on thursday to have something for my other blood test to go against. as my HCG levels are 6k, so hopefully they'll rise. And the dr said he'd book me a scan within 10 days. To check if there is an echo.

I'm praying, trying to bribe God. Saying I'll be an amazing mother, or I'll take my baby to church, bring it up as a Christian or anything he wanted. Just so I get to have my baby. But God never listens to bargins, never. He didn't when I bargined when I was in labour with Sophie.

How could God let me loose so many babies, how could he take my Sophie? then give me this baby? and let me think its going away.

I really hope it doesn't go away, I dont think I could cope anymore.