Questions

How long has it been since you lost your child/ren? Has your grief changed at all? Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes?

It'll be 6 months on May 4th. At first i was numb, I remember going through labour, holding Sophie watching her die in my arms. Have them tell me 3 hours after I gave birth to her that her hearts stopped while I'm holding her. I wanted to scream at them. Its like I was just watching myself go through it all.
I couldnt understand why I didn't scream and shout at them to try harder with her when they stopped trying to help her. I wanted to hit them, I went through all that and I had to watch my little angel die. And no matter how hard I held her, she still left me.
I dont like emotions, I dont see the point in crying as it wont bring her back to me. I just end up letting things build up till I break down. It feels like things are getting worse, that I don't understand how i can cope with her being gone. Then sometimes I feel like how can it have happened, babies dont die. These sorts of things happen to other people, not me.

How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?
I hate seeing pregnant women that smoke, or are drinking alcohol. It makes me so mad. I tried so hard to be healthy. I've never smoked, never done drugs, and i rarely drink. And I never drank while pregnant. I was a good little girl! Seriously. I hate those people. A girl at my work, got pregnant just after me. And boy she was annoyed. She hated that she had to give up sport, she wished she wasn't pregnant. And I was happy, i was. I was so happy that I was going to have a baby.

Whats your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child/ren? Do you go to counseling? Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? What helps you?
I just lay in bed a lot, Ask for snuggles of my partner. And hug Sophies hat. Cant sleep without the hat.
I tried mental health team, but none of them understood, none of them have lost a child. So they just kept saying I need to get over it. it made me so mad. I've been growing flowers recently that has helped watching them grow, and knowing they'll be on Sophies grave soon.

Busy again this week!
Had to go to the doctors on monday, as they've found I'm anemic. Sigh.
Then had to go get a blood test.
Last night was Sands, I really enjoyed it. Was a little sad as neither Jean nor Sam could make it. So I was like Who takes the LEAD?! but thankfully we all just nattered as normal.
Today is a peaceful day /cheer
Tomorrow hve a scan, to check cervix. Which really hurts, He really digs it in to my bone =(
Friday another peaceful day, but Karens of work /cheer. So will be busy with her =)
And Saturday another scan...
which I keep meaning to ring about.


It says I don't need a full bladder. Common sence says I should drink a little... But I still want to ring to make sure I do need some water in my bladder rather than none..

I felt bloomin awful during the day yesterday. I was never this ill when I was pregnant with Sophie. Only had the pains and the headaches. But by 10 weeks I was smashing. But I'm nearly 11 now, and I'm still now 100%

But I am happy.

Happy I'm still pregnant.

meh Doctors just rang. Saying I have something wrong with my blood tests. A vitaman deficiancy. Not sure why... as I eat fruit, an veg..