The day is finally nearing an end!
My Hcg levels have shot up! exact words my Doctor used. So I kept my excitement in check in case I misunderstood. I questioned what he had said, and he explained they had gone from 6k up to 36k within 6 days. I could have jumped up and down right then and there.
I prayed and prayed to God, and my Sister Kathryn bless her heart, prayed for me too. And the women on Ourforeverbabies sent there best wishes and prayed for me too. And my little grape the 2nd is hanging on.
Because the doctors had been running late, Stephen offered to cancel the vets appointment. I was shocked! My Fudge is my baby too! Yes he's a rabbit... But I love him, and if he had something seriously wrong with him I'd never forgive myself if I hadn't taken him. So I said to Stephen I could do the waiting by myself, and for him to take Fudge. Which he did.
So I sat there for what seemed like years, expecting bad news. Then it turned out to be fantastic news.
Stephen is happy for me.. But he doesn't want a baby at this moment. It hurts. He had wondered off when I had been talking to Charlotte, and I followed him upstairs eventually, and he wasnt in our room. Turned out he had been in Peters room, telling him about what had gone on today. He then went and told his parents. All without me... We're suposed to be getting married, and he's solo'ing everything.
He isnt happy, and I expect he told everyone again that he didnt want the baby. It makes me feel dreadful. It's like my mother when I was pregnant with Sophie all over again. I can't put myself through that. It makes me want to run away.
Maybe its the hormones.. Maybe I'm reading in to everything way to much. Or maybe I need a break away from everything. And just concentraite on being happy, happy that I'm going to be having another baby. Or that God gave me another chance, maybe he'll take this one away too, or maybe this one he'll let me keep till the day I'm buried. I know which one I want.
I don't understand Stephen, what I am meant to say to him? Am I surposed to tell him he hurts me by telling everyone he doesn't want it. I just feel like hitting my head against a wall, its de ja vu all over again. I should run away now while I still can.
Not one of his family said congratulations, or offered me support saying he'll come around. It feels like I'm all alone here. I'm really looking forward to Doreane and Tina coming tomorrow, there excited about it. They will restore my faith in the happyness this baby is going to bring.
This baby is what is going to heal me after Sophie. This baby is going to bring back my hopes, my dreams. And I'm going to love this baby, just as much as I loved Sophie.
I really don't understand people sometimes, I really don't
Friday 27 February 2009
Love Reign over me *Under the tree* questions
How long have you been blogging for? Why did you start? What do you want from writing?
I have been blogging on and off on several sites for quite a few years. I started because of problems I was having with an ex partner. I was unhappy, and I realised I had been taking my unhappyness out on him. What I wanted was to have a clear head, to understand how I felt. And to get that I had to write about things, going on in my life, in my head, and in my heart.
Where is safest place for you to share your feelings? Is there anywhere you feel completely accepted just being however you are really feeling?
Normally the safest place for me to share my feelings, are with my partner now of nearly 3 years. Stephen. He's been my rock.
But recently he hasn't really understood how I've been feeling, nor what I feel I need, or want in his case. He doesn't understand me anymore. I used to believe we were two halfs of a hole, but I'm starting to believe I was wrong. Maybe he was right, we're two seperate people, no one has a soulmate.
Lucky for me, I contacted the group "Sands" and I found some wonderful women. Whom, like me have lost there own little angel. Some have lost more than one angel. I finally believe I've found people that understand how I feel, what I want and desire. Everything.
My partner sat there telling them about how I'd been feeling, and what I'd done. And they nodded, and said it was normal. That they themselves have been there, and that they got through.
Can you recommend any books that you have read that have given you a new insight, hope or courage in this new life you find yourself in?
*Sigh* I spent over £100 on books, about coping with the loss of a child. And I didnt like any of them. I didn't feel any of those people understood, or even came near to how I felt.
Except the one book,
An Empty Cradle, a Full Heart: Reflections for Mothers and Fathers After Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Infant Death- by Christine O'Keeffe Lafser
Sometimes I find that I have lost faith in God, especially after Sophie Alice died. I thought I'd done something so bad, that he didn't love me anymore. That he was trying to punish me. But the book gave me faith, that he too loved Sophie Alice so much that he couldn't bare to be apart from her too long. And loaned her to me just long enough for me to see how beautiful she was.
How would you describe yourself before you lost your baby. How have you changed, who are you today?
Before, I was still a nice person. I tried hard to get my mother to love me, be proud of me. I never wanted children though before I had my first miscarriage. I was afried I would hate my children, the way my own mother hated me. That nothing they did would ever be good enough. Or that one day, they might hate me.
Then I had a miscarriage, and I realised I'd found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. And I really did want children. And it was worth the risk of being a bad mother. As I knew Stephen would always be there to set me on the right path.
Another misscarriage went by, and I was more deverstated. Then there was Sophie Alice. My little angel, the angel that made me realise that Love is unconditional. As soon as a mother see's there child, they either feel it or they don't I guess.
And I felt it. I felt the love, and need to be a fantastic mother. A great role model. And Sophie died.
I feel like I've changed, because I have great sadness inside of my heart. I've lost apart of myself when Sophie died. All my hopes and dreams died with her. So now I feel like a broken person, trying to find new dreams and new hopes.
I also try and help other mothers and fathers who have lost there own children. I also started knitting for my Sands group, to help the hospital my baby was born at. So mothers and Fathers out there who suffer the loss of there baby no matter how late or early. That they know people do think there baby is important. That people are out there that understand, and we'll be waiting for them to come to us. So we can all heal together.
How do you think you are coping? Do you see any light in this road or is it all dark right now? Where do you imagine yourself to be in a years time?
I wasn't coping at all. I did not see a light at the end of the road. I did not want too, if I'm honest. My angel had died, my hopes my dreams, everything was gone. How could I even try to see a light? I had no living children. Just Angels in heaven, and I wanted to be with them. To be the Mother I wanted to be.
Thankfully I found Sands, and even after 2 meetings I see a light now. It's a little light but its helping for now.
Another thing that helps my light get brighter, is I've recently found out I was pregnant again. With a little brother or sister for Sophie Alice. Now I am missing Sophie Alice more, and worrying if I'm going to have another Angel in heaven.
I don't imagine anything in a years time. But I hope I am pulling my hair out, changing dirty nappys. Loving my baby everyday, and doing everything for that baby. That I'll never get to do for Sophie Alice.
xxx
Samantha.
http://scarletriver26.blogspot.com/2009/02/tree.html
I have been blogging on and off on several sites for quite a few years. I started because of problems I was having with an ex partner. I was unhappy, and I realised I had been taking my unhappyness out on him. What I wanted was to have a clear head, to understand how I felt. And to get that I had to write about things, going on in my life, in my head, and in my heart.
Where is safest place for you to share your feelings? Is there anywhere you feel completely accepted just being however you are really feeling?
Normally the safest place for me to share my feelings, are with my partner now of nearly 3 years. Stephen. He's been my rock.
But recently he hasn't really understood how I've been feeling, nor what I feel I need, or want in his case. He doesn't understand me anymore. I used to believe we were two halfs of a hole, but I'm starting to believe I was wrong. Maybe he was right, we're two seperate people, no one has a soulmate.
Lucky for me, I contacted the group "Sands" and I found some wonderful women. Whom, like me have lost there own little angel. Some have lost more than one angel. I finally believe I've found people that understand how I feel, what I want and desire. Everything.
My partner sat there telling them about how I'd been feeling, and what I'd done. And they nodded, and said it was normal. That they themselves have been there, and that they got through.
Can you recommend any books that you have read that have given you a new insight, hope or courage in this new life you find yourself in?
*Sigh* I spent over £100 on books, about coping with the loss of a child. And I didnt like any of them. I didn't feel any of those people understood, or even came near to how I felt.
Except the one book,
An Empty Cradle, a Full Heart: Reflections for Mothers and Fathers After Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Infant Death- by Christine O'Keeffe Lafser
Sometimes I find that I have lost faith in God, especially after Sophie Alice died. I thought I'd done something so bad, that he didn't love me anymore. That he was trying to punish me. But the book gave me faith, that he too loved Sophie Alice so much that he couldn't bare to be apart from her too long. And loaned her to me just long enough for me to see how beautiful she was.
How would you describe yourself before you lost your baby. How have you changed, who are you today?
Before, I was still a nice person. I tried hard to get my mother to love me, be proud of me. I never wanted children though before I had my first miscarriage. I was afried I would hate my children, the way my own mother hated me. That nothing they did would ever be good enough. Or that one day, they might hate me.
Then I had a miscarriage, and I realised I'd found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. And I really did want children. And it was worth the risk of being a bad mother. As I knew Stephen would always be there to set me on the right path.
Another misscarriage went by, and I was more deverstated. Then there was Sophie Alice. My little angel, the angel that made me realise that Love is unconditional. As soon as a mother see's there child, they either feel it or they don't I guess.
And I felt it. I felt the love, and need to be a fantastic mother. A great role model. And Sophie died.
I feel like I've changed, because I have great sadness inside of my heart. I've lost apart of myself when Sophie died. All my hopes and dreams died with her. So now I feel like a broken person, trying to find new dreams and new hopes.
I also try and help other mothers and fathers who have lost there own children. I also started knitting for my Sands group, to help the hospital my baby was born at. So mothers and Fathers out there who suffer the loss of there baby no matter how late or early. That they know people do think there baby is important. That people are out there that understand, and we'll be waiting for them to come to us. So we can all heal together.
How do you think you are coping? Do you see any light in this road or is it all dark right now? Where do you imagine yourself to be in a years time?
I wasn't coping at all. I did not see a light at the end of the road. I did not want too, if I'm honest. My angel had died, my hopes my dreams, everything was gone. How could I even try to see a light? I had no living children. Just Angels in heaven, and I wanted to be with them. To be the Mother I wanted to be.
Thankfully I found Sands, and even after 2 meetings I see a light now. It's a little light but its helping for now.
Another thing that helps my light get brighter, is I've recently found out I was pregnant again. With a little brother or sister for Sophie Alice. Now I am missing Sophie Alice more, and worrying if I'm going to have another Angel in heaven.
I don't imagine anything in a years time. But I hope I am pulling my hair out, changing dirty nappys. Loving my baby everyday, and doing everything for that baby. That I'll never get to do for Sophie Alice.
xxx
Samantha.
http://scarletriver26.blogspot.com/2009/02/tree.html
Today is the day
Its a busy day today. Well if you class chatting to Charlotte about stuff while lounging around busy... at 4pm I'll be super busy ofcourse!
Doctors = 4pm
Charlotte seeing doc at = 4:10
Vets = 4:40
Wish is was Vets then Doctors..
What am I going to do if my baby is gone? What if the little thing inside of me that i'm already classing as Grape the 2nd, is dead. I am trying to get my head around the fact that its a possiblity. But I keep hoping.
When I was sick yesterday I hoped it was a sign, the fact my breasts hurta tiny bit that it was a sign.
I don't know how I am going to cope if its bad news. How can my body take out something so innocent, something I want so badly. Something that will make me feel whole again. WHY?!
I know I get excited when Im waiting for things, and hours seem like days, days feel like weeks. But i get through.
Yet I dont feel excited, I feel dread. I'm already thinking the baby is a boy. Which probably means its another girl. I want to smile over the fact I am wrong, that I was wrong last time. But I can't.
How can I smile over something that may never be a girl or boy..
only 3 more hours to go...
Doctors = 4pm
Charlotte seeing doc at = 4:10
Vets = 4:40
Wish is was Vets then Doctors..
What am I going to do if my baby is gone? What if the little thing inside of me that i'm already classing as Grape the 2nd, is dead. I am trying to get my head around the fact that its a possiblity. But I keep hoping.
When I was sick yesterday I hoped it was a sign, the fact my breasts hurta tiny bit that it was a sign.
I don't know how I am going to cope if its bad news. How can my body take out something so innocent, something I want so badly. Something that will make me feel whole again. WHY?!
I know I get excited when Im waiting for things, and hours seem like days, days feel like weeks. But i get through.
Yet I dont feel excited, I feel dread. I'm already thinking the baby is a boy. Which probably means its another girl. I want to smile over the fact I am wrong, that I was wrong last time. But I can't.
How can I smile over something that may never be a girl or boy..
only 3 more hours to go...
Thursday 26 February 2009
Blood test over and done with
I woke up, and my breasts hurt today. Only slightly!
And I sat eating my fave cereal. Thinking the milk must be off.. but it wasn't.
Then after I finished and went to get my coat upstairs, I was Ill!
Never been so happy about being sick... or having sore boobs!
Hoping it was a sign. I only have one day to wait now. In 24 hours I'll know.
I'll know if my little grape the 2nd is doing ok or not.
And I am praying like mad :(
And I sat eating my fave cereal. Thinking the milk must be off.. but it wasn't.
Then after I finished and went to get my coat upstairs, I was Ill!
Never been so happy about being sick... or having sore boobs!
Hoping it was a sign. I only have one day to wait now. In 24 hours I'll know.
I'll know if my little grape the 2nd is doing ok or not.
And I am praying like mad :(
Tuesday 24 February 2009
Pregnant again..
I found out on the 9th feb 2009 that I was again pregnant. I felt so happy, that I could finally be able to cope with Sophies death better than I had been. That this little baby inside of me would give me the hope, and courage to carry on living. To be better than I would have been for Sophie.
I told Stephen that night, and he wasn't pleased. "How did you manage that?" It hurt that he said that, but he has a right to say what ever it is in his head. Even more so, if stupid old me asks "What are you thinking?"
We went to the doctors that Friday to have it confirmed. I wanted to ask to keep the test, like I did with Sophie. But I didn't have the courage. I regret that.
That saturday (yes valentines day cheesy) Stephen asked me to marry him. So we went looking for ring on Sunday.
We told his parents on Sunday, I don't think there reactions were well, I dont know if they were scared of another situation like Sophie would happen again. Because I know her death effected them too. I don't really know, I just really hoped they were excited like I was.
I was going to visit my family the following Friday by coach, I was excited about seeing everyone. Had everything planned, Spending friday afternoon with Kathryn, Saturday with Linds and Kathryn. Then Sunday with Tina and Doreane, and Kathryn ofcourse! Then monday Kathryn would have taken me to Coreanes. Then during the week I'd pop in to work to see my work friends and my kids there.
I hit Birminingham and realised I was bleeding, gee... Well I had one leg up on the pokey out bit on the coach and the other on the foot rest. So when I finally felt uncomfy I shifted my legs together and thats when I felt the dampness between them. It took me over 30 mins to look, to check. And yes I was bleeding.
I rang Stephen and My sister, I had texted Stephen that I was bleeding as I couldn't tell him out loud as I was afried people would hear, not sure why. And all I could say to Kathryn will you pick me up if I get of the coach. And without even knowing what was wrong she said yes.
I got up and asked the driver where I was, and paniced when they tried to stop me talking to him. I burst in to tears, and said "I need to get off I'm bleeding" And without knowing why I was bleeding they got of the motoway, and pulled on to the grass on a round about. They rang an abulance, and got a lady to ask me what was wrong. Sigh.
By the time the abulance came , I think I was going in to shock. My finger nails were blue, and I couldn't stop shaking.
Long story short, at the hospital they couldnt tell me why I was bleeding. They couldn't do an Ultra sound, and kept me waiting around for hours, until they told me they couldnt do an ultrasound teh next day either, even though they said they would.
So at 9pm Stephen took me home, knowing I had been bleeding, my womb was closed.
Stephen took me to a private scan LBhealthcare, to find out if i still had the baby inside. And I did, thankfully. The Yolk was there too. She couldn't tell me if it was viable or not, as no echo. It could either mean it was dead, or that I was not 7 weeks pregnant like my doctor worked out.
So I went to my doctors on Monday, and he told me not to get my hopes up. That its probably dead, expect the worst. so I lay in bed all Monday crying my eyes out.
So we're playing the waiting game, i go for a blood test on thursday to have something for my other blood test to go against. as my HCG levels are 6k, so hopefully they'll rise. And the dr said he'd book me a scan within 10 days. To check if there is an echo.
I'm praying, trying to bribe God. Saying I'll be an amazing mother, or I'll take my baby to church, bring it up as a Christian or anything he wanted. Just so I get to have my baby. But God never listens to bargins, never. He didn't when I bargined when I was in labour with Sophie.
How could God let me loose so many babies, how could he take my Sophie? then give me this baby? and let me think its going away.
I really hope it doesn't go away, I dont think I could cope anymore.
I told Stephen that night, and he wasn't pleased. "How did you manage that?" It hurt that he said that, but he has a right to say what ever it is in his head. Even more so, if stupid old me asks "What are you thinking?"
We went to the doctors that Friday to have it confirmed. I wanted to ask to keep the test, like I did with Sophie. But I didn't have the courage. I regret that.
That saturday (yes valentines day cheesy) Stephen asked me to marry him. So we went looking for ring on Sunday.
We told his parents on Sunday, I don't think there reactions were well, I dont know if they were scared of another situation like Sophie would happen again. Because I know her death effected them too. I don't really know, I just really hoped they were excited like I was.
I was going to visit my family the following Friday by coach, I was excited about seeing everyone. Had everything planned, Spending friday afternoon with Kathryn, Saturday with Linds and Kathryn. Then Sunday with Tina and Doreane, and Kathryn ofcourse! Then monday Kathryn would have taken me to Coreanes. Then during the week I'd pop in to work to see my work friends and my kids there.
I hit Birminingham and realised I was bleeding, gee... Well I had one leg up on the pokey out bit on the coach and the other on the foot rest. So when I finally felt uncomfy I shifted my legs together and thats when I felt the dampness between them. It took me over 30 mins to look, to check. And yes I was bleeding.
I rang Stephen and My sister, I had texted Stephen that I was bleeding as I couldn't tell him out loud as I was afried people would hear, not sure why. And all I could say to Kathryn will you pick me up if I get of the coach. And without even knowing what was wrong she said yes.
I got up and asked the driver where I was, and paniced when they tried to stop me talking to him. I burst in to tears, and said "I need to get off I'm bleeding" And without knowing why I was bleeding they got of the motoway, and pulled on to the grass on a round about. They rang an abulance, and got a lady to ask me what was wrong. Sigh.
By the time the abulance came , I think I was going in to shock. My finger nails were blue, and I couldn't stop shaking.
Long story short, at the hospital they couldnt tell me why I was bleeding. They couldn't do an Ultra sound, and kept me waiting around for hours, until they told me they couldnt do an ultrasound teh next day either, even though they said they would.
So at 9pm Stephen took me home, knowing I had been bleeding, my womb was closed.
Stephen took me to a private scan LBhealthcare, to find out if i still had the baby inside. And I did, thankfully. The Yolk was there too. She couldn't tell me if it was viable or not, as no echo. It could either mean it was dead, or that I was not 7 weeks pregnant like my doctor worked out.
So I went to my doctors on Monday, and he told me not to get my hopes up. That its probably dead, expect the worst. so I lay in bed all Monday crying my eyes out.
So we're playing the waiting game, i go for a blood test on thursday to have something for my other blood test to go against. as my HCG levels are 6k, so hopefully they'll rise. And the dr said he'd book me a scan within 10 days. To check if there is an echo.
I'm praying, trying to bribe God. Saying I'll be an amazing mother, or I'll take my baby to church, bring it up as a Christian or anything he wanted. Just so I get to have my baby. But God never listens to bargins, never. He didn't when I bargined when I was in labour with Sophie.
How could God let me loose so many babies, how could he take my Sophie? then give me this baby? and let me think its going away.
I really hope it doesn't go away, I dont think I could cope anymore.
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