Love Reign over me *Under the tree* questions

How long have you been blogging for? Why did you start? What do you want from writing?

I have been blogging on and off on several sites for quite a few years. I started because of problems I was having with an ex partner. I was unhappy, and I realised I had been taking my unhappyness out on him. What I wanted was to have a clear head, to understand how I felt. And to get that I had to write about things, going on in my life, in my head, and in my heart.

Where is safest place for you to share your feelings? Is there anywhere you feel completely accepted just being however you are really feeling?

Normally the safest place for me to share my feelings, are with my partner now of nearly 3 years. Stephen. He's been my rock.
But recently he hasn't really understood how I've been feeling, nor what I feel I need, or want in his case. He doesn't understand me anymore. I used to believe we were two halfs of a hole, but I'm starting to believe I was wrong. Maybe he was right, we're two seperate people, no one has a soulmate.
Lucky for me, I contacted the group "Sands" and I found some wonderful women. Whom, like me have lost there own little angel. Some have lost more than one angel. I finally believe I've found people that understand how I feel, what I want and desire. Everything.
My partner sat there telling them about how I'd been feeling, and what I'd done. And they nodded, and said it was normal. That they themselves have been there, and that they got through.

Can you recommend any books that you have read that have given you a new insight, hope or courage in this new life you find yourself in?

*Sigh* I spent over £100 on books, about coping with the loss of a child. And I didnt like any of them. I didn't feel any of those people understood, or even came near to how I felt.
Except the one book,
An Empty Cradle, a Full Heart: Reflections for Mothers and Fathers After Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Infant Death- by Christine O'Keeffe Lafser
Sometimes I find that I have lost faith in God, especially after Sophie Alice died. I thought I'd done something so bad, that he didn't love me anymore. That he was trying to punish me. But the book gave me faith, that he too loved Sophie Alice so much that he couldn't bare to be apart from her too long. And loaned her to me just long enough for me to see how beautiful she was.

How would you describe yourself before you lost your baby. How have you changed, who are you today?
Before, I was still a nice person. I tried hard to get my mother to love me, be proud of me. I never wanted children though before I had my first miscarriage. I was afried I would hate my children, the way my own mother hated me. That nothing they did would ever be good enough. Or that one day, they might hate me.
Then I had a miscarriage, and I realised I'd found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. And I really did want children. And it was worth the risk of being a bad mother. As I knew Stephen would always be there to set me on the right path.
Another misscarriage went by, and I was more deverstated. Then there was Sophie Alice. My little angel, the angel that made me realise that Love is unconditional. As soon as a mother see's there child, they either feel it or they don't I guess.
And I felt it. I felt the love, and need to be a fantastic mother. A great role model. And Sophie died.
I feel like I've changed, because I have great sadness inside of my heart. I've lost apart of myself when Sophie died. All my hopes and dreams died with her. So now I feel like a broken person, trying to find new dreams and new hopes.
I also try and help other mothers and fathers who have lost there own children. I also started knitting for my Sands group, to help the hospital my baby was born at. So mothers and Fathers out there who suffer the loss of there baby no matter how late or early. That they know people do think there baby is important. That people are out there that understand, and we'll be waiting for them to come to us. So we can all heal together.

How do you think you are coping? Do you see any light in this road or is it all dark right now? Where do you imagine yourself to be in a years time?

I wasn't coping at all. I did not see a light at the end of the road. I did not want too, if I'm honest. My angel had died, my hopes my dreams, everything was gone. How could I even try to see a light? I had no living children. Just Angels in heaven, and I wanted to be with them. To be the Mother I wanted to be.
Thankfully I found Sands, and even after 2 meetings I see a light now. It's a little light but its helping for now.
Another thing that helps my light get brighter, is I've recently found out I was pregnant again. With a little brother or sister for Sophie Alice. Now I am missing Sophie Alice more, and worrying if I'm going to have another Angel in heaven.
I don't imagine anything in a years time. But I hope I am pulling my hair out, changing dirty nappys. Loving my baby everyday, and doing everything for that baby. That I'll never get to do for Sophie Alice.
xxx
Samantha.

http://scarletriver26.blogspot.com/2009/02/tree.html