Been busy this week.
Sadly Stephens been away woking on HMS Daring, since sunday night. First time apart since september 27th... sigh lol.
But I made it. Today is the last day, and hes back tonight /cheer
I went to the midwife on tuesday.
Dr Davies at warmemorial on wednesday
Cinima to watch Marley and Me on wednesday evening, and chips for tea!
Then Dr Davies at St Marys Hospital today!
My Midwife is Jackie, she is amazing. Never had children her self. But she understands me , and my loss a lot more. She can imagine how she would feel if it happened to her, so she simpathises more with me. Amazing ..
Today had a scan of my little "Bean!" and the baby looked beautiful! I could see its heart, and it wiggling about. So excited, Sad that stephen didnt see it tho. But Dr Davies gave me free Pix of it for him /cheer
So excited for when Stephen comes home! going to get him to scan them in to the pc for me, then I can show themto D&T and Kath/linds etc
SOOOooooo Excited :d
Thursday 19 March 2009
Wednesday 11 March 2009
Melissa
I don't know how to describe Melissa, other than she is like my own Guardian Angel. I feel God sent her to me, to give me hope.
I met her when I was 15, she was a missionary/Morman. I loved the fact that she was an American. Melissa and Sister Bowls. God they brought me sunshine in a life that seemed dark. I'd recently tried to overdose, and failed. I was being bullied, and I had so many problems. I just wanted the cowards way out.
Melissa became a good friend, and my Angel xxx. I know shes just a human being and one day she may disapoint me. But she hasn't and I'm 23 now! We did loose touch for a while. and through every miscarriage, and when Sophie died I ached for her to tell me it wasn't my fault. That God wasn't punishing me. I really did.
It wasn't till Sophie died that I started searching online for her new address. I had to pay for it in the end. And I gave up hope on monday night. I remember sitting here at my pc thinking she never replied. So she must not have gotten my mail. My chance to be told I wasn't a bad person, and that God loved me was gone.
But the next morning there a letter was with her name on it. She had gotten my letters. and her baby is no longer a baby, and she now has 2 children! I was so happy for her.
I just held the envolope to my chest, trying not to cry. And I refused to read it, until I finished cooking my lunch. Then I read it. And I was so happy that her life is still great, and that she still loves God, and knows that he loves her.
I am grateful for the internet, and for God letting me get her back again. I've already wrote about 9 pages of A5 and still haven't finished. Shes an amazing person. I just hope God keeps blessing her xxx
I met her when I was 15, she was a missionary/Morman. I loved the fact that she was an American. Melissa and Sister Bowls. God they brought me sunshine in a life that seemed dark. I'd recently tried to overdose, and failed. I was being bullied, and I had so many problems. I just wanted the cowards way out.
Melissa became a good friend, and my Angel xxx. I know shes just a human being and one day she may disapoint me. But she hasn't and I'm 23 now! We did loose touch for a while. and through every miscarriage, and when Sophie died I ached for her to tell me it wasn't my fault. That God wasn't punishing me. I really did.
It wasn't till Sophie died that I started searching online for her new address. I had to pay for it in the end. And I gave up hope on monday night. I remember sitting here at my pc thinking she never replied. So she must not have gotten my mail. My chance to be told I wasn't a bad person, and that God loved me was gone.
But the next morning there a letter was with her name on it. She had gotten my letters. and her baby is no longer a baby, and she now has 2 children! I was so happy for her.
I just held the envolope to my chest, trying not to cry. And I refused to read it, until I finished cooking my lunch. Then I read it. And I was so happy that her life is still great, and that she still loves God, and knows that he loves her.
I am grateful for the internet, and for God letting me get her back again. I've already wrote about 9 pages of A5 and still haven't finished. Shes an amazing person. I just hope God keeps blessing her xxx
Scan + sands lady
It's been a while, and a lot has happened. I'd gone back to the doctors after another blood test. And it had gone up again.
6k first test
36k second test
74k third test
Doctor finally sent me for a scan, i was a little worried as the ladies didn't seem so positive about people getting scans... (Haslar hospital is a naval hospital and its closing down) So I walked home shattered, and angry.
But thankfully the next day I got a phone call, asking me to go for a scan the next morning. So ofcourse I went! I saw the baby, Stephen kept pretty quiet. The lady was unsure of how many babies there were... The part she thought was the yolk had an echo, so she asked to do an internal scan to check. I got all excited on my little skip to the bathroom to empty my bladder. Then when I was washing my hands, I looked in the mirror.
It was like it hit me then, If it is my cervix.. How will I hold twins if I can't hold one tiny beautiful baby like Sophie. So I started to get scared.
It wasn't till she next spoke that I realised I was holding my breath. And she gave me a little hope, as she told me it was defently the yolk. So maybe just maybe God will let me keep this little bean inside of me.
I dont know why but I have this habbit since Sophie, that I called her grape... because her sac was the shape of a grape, and she was a pea inside of it. Then this baby is the side of a bean. So here I am ... calling it bean.. Poor baby.
But things are looking good, so I'll keep praying.
I don't know if I mentioned the lady I met in sands Kristy. It was her first time, and I found out that so many years before Sophie was born, she had been in the same hospital- breavement room as I had been. And we both sat there holding our babies, looking at the same photo. I dont know if she thought the same as I did. But when I looked at the photo which was a rainbow, on the left side of the rainbow it looked dark and cloudy. Like how I was laying in the bed, holding my baby. Thats how I felt. It looked like there was no hope, no future. But then theres the rainbow, and theres sunshine on the right side of it. And I kept thinking, I'll make it through this, and I'll reach that side of the rainbow one day.
That maybe just maybe there is hope.
It was beacause of Kristy that I on Sophies Due date, 25th Feb went to the hospital and took a picture of the photograph. And I went to the people who framed it , who will keep an eye out for it. But I sent it to Kodak and printed of a copy, one for Kristy and one for myself.
She said it was the niceest thing anyone had ever done for her. Just because it feels like God deserts us sometimes, doesn't mean people will. She has been through so much pain. Shes such a good person, how can someone so powerful cause someone so amazing so much pain and loss? One day she'll give up hope. I was shocked that she still had hope when I met her. I'm only on my fourth child, and I have no living children. And I think she's had 9 Angels all together. How can there be hope? I am already losing my own hope.
I just pray that she will get her baby to hold in her arms, and watch it grow. I really do pray she doesn't have any more pain. I sometimes wonder, would I give up the chance to have my own child, if God would allow her to have that type of love. I read on Carlys blogs, the type of love that comes from joy. Not sadness or loss. I want Kristy to feel that love, that comes from joy, and from a living breathing heart pounding head screaming baby.
I hope God gives her a break I really do :(
6k first test
36k second test
74k third test
Doctor finally sent me for a scan, i was a little worried as the ladies didn't seem so positive about people getting scans... (Haslar hospital is a naval hospital and its closing down) So I walked home shattered, and angry.
But thankfully the next day I got a phone call, asking me to go for a scan the next morning. So ofcourse I went! I saw the baby, Stephen kept pretty quiet. The lady was unsure of how many babies there were... The part she thought was the yolk had an echo, so she asked to do an internal scan to check. I got all excited on my little skip to the bathroom to empty my bladder. Then when I was washing my hands, I looked in the mirror.
It was like it hit me then, If it is my cervix.. How will I hold twins if I can't hold one tiny beautiful baby like Sophie. So I started to get scared.
It wasn't till she next spoke that I realised I was holding my breath. And she gave me a little hope, as she told me it was defently the yolk. So maybe just maybe God will let me keep this little bean inside of me.
I dont know why but I have this habbit since Sophie, that I called her grape... because her sac was the shape of a grape, and she was a pea inside of it. Then this baby is the side of a bean. So here I am ... calling it bean.. Poor baby.
But things are looking good, so I'll keep praying.
I don't know if I mentioned the lady I met in sands Kristy. It was her first time, and I found out that so many years before Sophie was born, she had been in the same hospital- breavement room as I had been. And we both sat there holding our babies, looking at the same photo. I dont know if she thought the same as I did. But when I looked at the photo which was a rainbow, on the left side of the rainbow it looked dark and cloudy. Like how I was laying in the bed, holding my baby. Thats how I felt. It looked like there was no hope, no future. But then theres the rainbow, and theres sunshine on the right side of it. And I kept thinking, I'll make it through this, and I'll reach that side of the rainbow one day.
That maybe just maybe there is hope.
It was beacause of Kristy that I on Sophies Due date, 25th Feb went to the hospital and took a picture of the photograph. And I went to the people who framed it , who will keep an eye out for it. But I sent it to Kodak and printed of a copy, one for Kristy and one for myself.
She said it was the niceest thing anyone had ever done for her. Just because it feels like God deserts us sometimes, doesn't mean people will. She has been through so much pain. Shes such a good person, how can someone so powerful cause someone so amazing so much pain and loss? One day she'll give up hope. I was shocked that she still had hope when I met her. I'm only on my fourth child, and I have no living children. And I think she's had 9 Angels all together. How can there be hope? I am already losing my own hope.
I just pray that she will get her baby to hold in her arms, and watch it grow. I really do pray she doesn't have any more pain. I sometimes wonder, would I give up the chance to have my own child, if God would allow her to have that type of love. I read on Carlys blogs, the type of love that comes from joy. Not sadness or loss. I want Kristy to feel that love, that comes from joy, and from a living breathing heart pounding head screaming baby.
I hope God gives her a break I really do :(
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