Scan + sands lady

It's been a while, and a lot has happened. I'd gone back to the doctors after another blood test. And it had gone up again.
6k first test
36k second test
74k third test

Doctor finally sent me for a scan, i was a little worried as the ladies didn't seem so positive about people getting scans... (Haslar hospital is a naval hospital and its closing down) So I walked home shattered, and angry.

But thankfully the next day I got a phone call, asking me to go for a scan the next morning. So ofcourse I went! I saw the baby, Stephen kept pretty quiet. The lady was unsure of how many babies there were... The part she thought was the yolk had an echo, so she asked to do an internal scan to check. I got all excited on my little skip to the bathroom to empty my bladder. Then when I was washing my hands, I looked in the mirror.
It was like it hit me then, If it is my cervix.. How will I hold twins if I can't hold one tiny beautiful baby like Sophie. So I started to get scared.
It wasn't till she next spoke that I realised I was holding my breath. And she gave me a little hope, as she told me it was defently the yolk. So maybe just maybe God will let me keep this little bean inside of me.
I dont know why but I have this habbit since Sophie, that I called her grape... because her sac was the shape of a grape, and she was a pea inside of it. Then this baby is the side of a bean. So here I am ... calling it bean.. Poor baby.

But things are looking good, so I'll keep praying.

I don't know if I mentioned the lady I met in sands Kristy. It was her first time, and I found out that so many years before Sophie was born, she had been in the same hospital- breavement room as I had been. And we both sat there holding our babies, looking at the same photo. I dont know if she thought the same as I did. But when I looked at the photo which was a rainbow, on the left side of the rainbow it looked dark and cloudy. Like how I was laying in the bed, holding my baby. Thats how I felt. It looked like there was no hope, no future. But then theres the rainbow, and theres sunshine on the right side of it. And I kept thinking, I'll make it through this, and I'll reach that side of the rainbow one day.

That maybe just maybe there is hope.

It was beacause of Kristy that I on Sophies Due date, 25th Feb went to the hospital and took a picture of the photograph. And I went to the people who framed it , who will keep an eye out for it. But I sent it to Kodak and printed of a copy, one for Kristy and one for myself.

She said it was the niceest thing anyone had ever done for her. Just because it feels like God deserts us sometimes, doesn't mean people will. She has been through so much pain. Shes such a good person, how can someone so powerful cause someone so amazing so much pain and loss? One day she'll give up hope. I was shocked that she still had hope when I met her. I'm only on my fourth child, and I have no living children. And I think she's had 9 Angels all together. How can there be hope? I am already losing my own hope.

I just pray that she will get her baby to hold in her arms, and watch it grow. I really do pray she doesn't have any more pain. I sometimes wonder, would I give up the chance to have my own child, if God would allow her to have that type of love. I read on Carlys blogs, the type of love that comes from joy. Not sadness or loss. I want Kristy to feel that love, that comes from joy, and from a living breathing heart pounding head screaming baby.

I hope God gives her a break I really do :(