An amazing quote!

"If you know someone who has lost a child or lost anybody who's important to them, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them of is that you remember that they lived, and that's a great, great gift." - Elizabeth Edwards

I knew I loved you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjnmICxvoVY&ob=av2e


This song makes me think of Sophie a lot. I was just browsing through old bands that I liked, and this song instantly made me think of her.

I often think about the lyrics

"I knew I loved you before I met you"

As it is true, I loved her before I met her. Feeling her move within me, feeling her sharp kicks in t my ribs. Loving how her an her Daddy bonded at night time when we're meant to be going to sleep. I loved her. At 12 weeks when I went to see her as a "real baby" rather than the sack I was so used to seeing in the early weeks.
She was so beautiful. She had an amazing nose, and as soon as I saw it I was in love. She could have asked for the moon and stars, I'd have died trying to give them to her.

"Like in your eyes I see my future in an instant"

You do see your future when you hold your baby, and when holding my Ben I saw a future of this little boy running around, filling my house full of laughter and happiness that my husband and I had been starved of since we lost Sophie..
But before Ben, I held Sophie. And I didn't get to see her eyes, but I imagine they were blue just like her Daddy's. I held her, while she was still alive, knowing she would soon die. And to have my daughter die in my arms, and see that all my hopes and dreams were no longer going to come true. It broke something inside of me.
I knew as I looked down at my baby girl, that had died not seconds before that my life would be bleak with out her.


" I think I dreamed you in to life"

Most of us did dream about our children before they were born. I know I did. I dreamed to get away from the stress I was having with my mother. I dreamed of the day that my daughter and I will be far away from her. Living with my huband, and we'd be happy. I dreamed of her having my husbands eyes, his hair colour, his beautiful mouth. And she did, I am guessing about the eyes but she had the rest!
She was my beautiful little red head.


"And in your eyes I see the missing pieces I have been searching for"
When I look at Sophie's pictures I see my families missing piece. When we go to the park, and Ben plays with a girl around Sophie's age, reminds me of that mising piece.
We won't find that missing piece as it's already gone.
But anything and everything that remind us of them will remind us that we are no longer whole, no longer the same person who smiled as easy as they did before. Or the same person who laughed at something random.
We are different. But it's because of our love for our children that makes us different.

A little girl named Sarah

Steve and I took Ben to feed the swans yesterday. He immediately made friends with a little girl whom I later asked her dad how old she was, and found out she was nearly three. Just like Sophie should have been this month, if she'd gone full term.
I watched her play with Ben, and I wanted to scream at how awful this world was.
That my son shouldn't be playing with this beautiful little girl, that he should be chasing his sister Sophie around the park. Playing trains together, watching the lion king together.

So yes. I watched with a heavy heart.
Hoping that I am wrong, that God is real , that there is a heaven. And that one day when I'm 80 or so that I will get to live the life I wanted to live in Heaven and do the things I wanted with all my children.

Ben adored Sarah, and when ever she went out of his sight, he'd stop and spin till he found her. He would get slightly upset if he had to look too long.
But she was very accommodating and waved at him, or got him to get on the climbing frame with her, or on the swing. He had so much fun, and was upset when it was time for her to go.
I was a little sad too, watching her walk away holding her Daddy's hand. Wishing that one day Sophie would be holding her Daddy's hand once again.

People Forget

I thought losing my daughter, and having to live each day without her would be the only things I'd have to deal with. But it's not.

Ever since her death, I've noticed people forget. Or even refuse to speak of her , or say her name.

I've had one person say to me when I was speaking of another little girl I knew, but this person obviously misunderstood and thought I was talking about Sophie. "Don't even go there Sam, it's not worth it"
I knew exactly what she meant, and whom she was referring too.
They think they mean well, but it'd have been easier and less painful to stick a knife right in to my chest.

Why do people forget?

Why do people tell me I'm lucky as I have Ben?

Why do people who have never lost a child tell us to get over it?

Why do people who were there when my daughter was born, and died never mention her name? act like she never existed?

Are people not aware that their actions are only pouring salt in an never healing wound. I realise that some only try to save you pain by not mentioning their names, or speaking of them. But some are just so self centered that they can't see the wood for the trees, or how ever that saying goes!

Makes me furious to see friends that have also lost, going through each day with this sort of behaviour.

I miss her. When she died, a part of me died with her. I mourn the loss of my daughter and the person I used to be.
I mourn each day the life I have lost, I mourn the hugs I'm never going to give her, the kisses on her head.
Each night when I tuck my son in to bed I mourn the fact I should be tucking in two children rather than one.
I am lucky to have Ben, but unless you've buried a child yourself, or suffered with trying for a baby for several years. Please Please keep your hurtful comments to yourself.