An amazing quote!

"If you know someone who has lost a child or lost anybody who's important to them, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them of is that you remember that they lived, and that's a great, great gift." - Elizabeth Edwards

I knew I loved you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjnmICxvoVY&ob=av2e


This song makes me think of Sophie a lot. I was just browsing through old bands that I liked, and this song instantly made me think of her.

I often think about the lyrics

"I knew I loved you before I met you"

As it is true, I loved her before I met her. Feeling her move within me, feeling her sharp kicks in t my ribs. Loving how her an her Daddy bonded at night time when we're meant to be going to sleep. I loved her. At 12 weeks when I went to see her as a "real baby" rather than the sack I was so used to seeing in the early weeks.
She was so beautiful. She had an amazing nose, and as soon as I saw it I was in love. She could have asked for the moon and stars, I'd have died trying to give them to her.

"Like in your eyes I see my future in an instant"

You do see your future when you hold your baby, and when holding my Ben I saw a future of this little boy running around, filling my house full of laughter and happiness that my husband and I had been starved of since we lost Sophie..
But before Ben, I held Sophie. And I didn't get to see her eyes, but I imagine they were blue just like her Daddy's. I held her, while she was still alive, knowing she would soon die. And to have my daughter die in my arms, and see that all my hopes and dreams were no longer going to come true. It broke something inside of me.
I knew as I looked down at my baby girl, that had died not seconds before that my life would be bleak with out her.


" I think I dreamed you in to life"

Most of us did dream about our children before they were born. I know I did. I dreamed to get away from the stress I was having with my mother. I dreamed of the day that my daughter and I will be far away from her. Living with my huband, and we'd be happy. I dreamed of her having my husbands eyes, his hair colour, his beautiful mouth. And she did, I am guessing about the eyes but she had the rest!
She was my beautiful little red head.


"And in your eyes I see the missing pieces I have been searching for"
When I look at Sophie's pictures I see my families missing piece. When we go to the park, and Ben plays with a girl around Sophie's age, reminds me of that mising piece.
We won't find that missing piece as it's already gone.
But anything and everything that remind us of them will remind us that we are no longer whole, no longer the same person who smiled as easy as they did before. Or the same person who laughed at something random.
We are different. But it's because of our love for our children that makes us different.

A little girl named Sarah

Steve and I took Ben to feed the swans yesterday. He immediately made friends with a little girl whom I later asked her dad how old she was, and found out she was nearly three. Just like Sophie should have been this month, if she'd gone full term.
I watched her play with Ben, and I wanted to scream at how awful this world was.
That my son shouldn't be playing with this beautiful little girl, that he should be chasing his sister Sophie around the park. Playing trains together, watching the lion king together.

So yes. I watched with a heavy heart.
Hoping that I am wrong, that God is real , that there is a heaven. And that one day when I'm 80 or so that I will get to live the life I wanted to live in Heaven and do the things I wanted with all my children.

Ben adored Sarah, and when ever she went out of his sight, he'd stop and spin till he found her. He would get slightly upset if he had to look too long.
But she was very accommodating and waved at him, or got him to get on the climbing frame with her, or on the swing. He had so much fun, and was upset when it was time for her to go.
I was a little sad too, watching her walk away holding her Daddy's hand. Wishing that one day Sophie would be holding her Daddy's hand once again.

People Forget

I thought losing my daughter, and having to live each day without her would be the only things I'd have to deal with. But it's not.

Ever since her death, I've noticed people forget. Or even refuse to speak of her , or say her name.

I've had one person say to me when I was speaking of another little girl I knew, but this person obviously misunderstood and thought I was talking about Sophie. "Don't even go there Sam, it's not worth it"
I knew exactly what she meant, and whom she was referring too.
They think they mean well, but it'd have been easier and less painful to stick a knife right in to my chest.

Why do people forget?

Why do people tell me I'm lucky as I have Ben?

Why do people who have never lost a child tell us to get over it?

Why do people who were there when my daughter was born, and died never mention her name? act like she never existed?

Are people not aware that their actions are only pouring salt in an never healing wound. I realise that some only try to save you pain by not mentioning their names, or speaking of them. But some are just so self centered that they can't see the wood for the trees, or how ever that saying goes!

Makes me furious to see friends that have also lost, going through each day with this sort of behaviour.

I miss her. When she died, a part of me died with her. I mourn the loss of my daughter and the person I used to be.
I mourn each day the life I have lost, I mourn the hugs I'm never going to give her, the kisses on her head.
Each night when I tuck my son in to bed I mourn the fact I should be tucking in two children rather than one.
I am lucky to have Ben, but unless you've buried a child yourself, or suffered with trying for a baby for several years. Please Please keep your hurtful comments to yourself.

It's been a while...

It has been an awfully long time since I posted on here, it doesn't mean my grief suddenly disappeared. It just meant I have less time than previously.
At the moment I'm waiting for my husband to return from Crete! I'm sure your thinking lucky git, but sadly it was work! So not so lucky!

Like today, I still find myself in tears over the loss of Sophie. Thinking of how life is just not fair. That I did everything right, yet I still had to say goodbye. The tears don't come often, more so lately than before. for reasons I'll talk about either later in this post, or another time!

One of the main things that keeps popping up in my head recently is, there are so many horrid people out there. Why couldn't they have died? Why couldn't I bring home my innocent daughter, that had done nothing wrong but be born early.

I looked at my son today, and I thought about everything he doesn't know about Sophie, and everything he'll never know. All the things he'll never learn from her, all the cuddles he'll never receive from her.. you get the gist I guess!
But yes, that's what I though of today as well. I turned my back on him and sobbed in to the sleeve of my jumper. Then when I put him to bed I listened to a few tracks that I know I shouldn't listen too,
The glee project - Please don't leave me
Always gets me going! I always sob when singing along to this. It always makes me think of Sophie.

Questions

How long has it been since you lost your child/ren? Has your grief changed at all? Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes?

It'll be 6 months on May 4th. At first i was numb, I remember going through labour, holding Sophie watching her die in my arms. Have them tell me 3 hours after I gave birth to her that her hearts stopped while I'm holding her. I wanted to scream at them. Its like I was just watching myself go through it all.
I couldnt understand why I didn't scream and shout at them to try harder with her when they stopped trying to help her. I wanted to hit them, I went through all that and I had to watch my little angel die. And no matter how hard I held her, she still left me.
I dont like emotions, I dont see the point in crying as it wont bring her back to me. I just end up letting things build up till I break down. It feels like things are getting worse, that I don't understand how i can cope with her being gone. Then sometimes I feel like how can it have happened, babies dont die. These sorts of things happen to other people, not me.

How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?
I hate seeing pregnant women that smoke, or are drinking alcohol. It makes me so mad. I tried so hard to be healthy. I've never smoked, never done drugs, and i rarely drink. And I never drank while pregnant. I was a good little girl! Seriously. I hate those people. A girl at my work, got pregnant just after me. And boy she was annoyed. She hated that she had to give up sport, she wished she wasn't pregnant. And I was happy, i was. I was so happy that I was going to have a baby.

Whats your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child/ren? Do you go to counseling? Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? What helps you?
I just lay in bed a lot, Ask for snuggles of my partner. And hug Sophies hat. Cant sleep without the hat.
I tried mental health team, but none of them understood, none of them have lost a child. So they just kept saying I need to get over it. it made me so mad. I've been growing flowers recently that has helped watching them grow, and knowing they'll be on Sophies grave soon.

Busy again this week!
Had to go to the doctors on monday, as they've found I'm anemic. Sigh.
Then had to go get a blood test.
Last night was Sands, I really enjoyed it. Was a little sad as neither Jean nor Sam could make it. So I was like Who takes the LEAD?! but thankfully we all just nattered as normal.
Today is a peaceful day /cheer
Tomorrow hve a scan, to check cervix. Which really hurts, He really digs it in to my bone =(
Friday another peaceful day, but Karens of work /cheer. So will be busy with her =)
And Saturday another scan...
which I keep meaning to ring about.


It says I don't need a full bladder. Common sence says I should drink a little... But I still want to ring to make sure I do need some water in my bladder rather than none..

I felt bloomin awful during the day yesterday. I was never this ill when I was pregnant with Sophie. Only had the pains and the headaches. But by 10 weeks I was smashing. But I'm nearly 11 now, and I'm still now 100%

But I am happy.

Happy I'm still pregnant.

meh Doctors just rang. Saying I have something wrong with my blood tests. A vitaman deficiancy. Not sure why... as I eat fruit, an veg..