People Forget

I thought losing my daughter, and having to live each day without her would be the only things I'd have to deal with. But it's not.

Ever since her death, I've noticed people forget. Or even refuse to speak of her , or say her name.

I've had one person say to me when I was speaking of another little girl I knew, but this person obviously misunderstood and thought I was talking about Sophie. "Don't even go there Sam, it's not worth it"
I knew exactly what she meant, and whom she was referring too.
They think they mean well, but it'd have been easier and less painful to stick a knife right in to my chest.

Why do people forget?

Why do people tell me I'm lucky as I have Ben?

Why do people who have never lost a child tell us to get over it?

Why do people who were there when my daughter was born, and died never mention her name? act like she never existed?

Are people not aware that their actions are only pouring salt in an never healing wound. I realise that some only try to save you pain by not mentioning their names, or speaking of them. But some are just so self centered that they can't see the wood for the trees, or how ever that saying goes!

Makes me furious to see friends that have also lost, going through each day with this sort of behaviour.

I miss her. When she died, a part of me died with her. I mourn the loss of my daughter and the person I used to be.
I mourn each day the life I have lost, I mourn the hugs I'm never going to give her, the kisses on her head.
Each night when I tuck my son in to bed I mourn the fact I should be tucking in two children rather than one.
I am lucky to have Ben, but unless you've buried a child yourself, or suffered with trying for a baby for several years. Please Please keep your hurtful comments to yourself.

It's been a while...

It has been an awfully long time since I posted on here, it doesn't mean my grief suddenly disappeared. It just meant I have less time than previously.
At the moment I'm waiting for my husband to return from Crete! I'm sure your thinking lucky git, but sadly it was work! So not so lucky!

Like today, I still find myself in tears over the loss of Sophie. Thinking of how life is just not fair. That I did everything right, yet I still had to say goodbye. The tears don't come often, more so lately than before. for reasons I'll talk about either later in this post, or another time!

One of the main things that keeps popping up in my head recently is, there are so many horrid people out there. Why couldn't they have died? Why couldn't I bring home my innocent daughter, that had done nothing wrong but be born early.

I looked at my son today, and I thought about everything he doesn't know about Sophie, and everything he'll never know. All the things he'll never learn from her, all the cuddles he'll never receive from her.. you get the gist I guess!
But yes, that's what I though of today as well. I turned my back on him and sobbed in to the sleeve of my jumper. Then when I put him to bed I listened to a few tracks that I know I shouldn't listen too,
The glee project - Please don't leave me
Always gets me going! I always sob when singing along to this. It always makes me think of Sophie.

Questions

How long has it been since you lost your child/ren? Has your grief changed at all? Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes?

It'll be 6 months on May 4th. At first i was numb, I remember going through labour, holding Sophie watching her die in my arms. Have them tell me 3 hours after I gave birth to her that her hearts stopped while I'm holding her. I wanted to scream at them. Its like I was just watching myself go through it all.
I couldnt understand why I didn't scream and shout at them to try harder with her when they stopped trying to help her. I wanted to hit them, I went through all that and I had to watch my little angel die. And no matter how hard I held her, she still left me.
I dont like emotions, I dont see the point in crying as it wont bring her back to me. I just end up letting things build up till I break down. It feels like things are getting worse, that I don't understand how i can cope with her being gone. Then sometimes I feel like how can it have happened, babies dont die. These sorts of things happen to other people, not me.

How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?
I hate seeing pregnant women that smoke, or are drinking alcohol. It makes me so mad. I tried so hard to be healthy. I've never smoked, never done drugs, and i rarely drink. And I never drank while pregnant. I was a good little girl! Seriously. I hate those people. A girl at my work, got pregnant just after me. And boy she was annoyed. She hated that she had to give up sport, she wished she wasn't pregnant. And I was happy, i was. I was so happy that I was going to have a baby.

Whats your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child/ren? Do you go to counseling? Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? What helps you?
I just lay in bed a lot, Ask for snuggles of my partner. And hug Sophies hat. Cant sleep without the hat.
I tried mental health team, but none of them understood, none of them have lost a child. So they just kept saying I need to get over it. it made me so mad. I've been growing flowers recently that has helped watching them grow, and knowing they'll be on Sophies grave soon.

Busy again this week!
Had to go to the doctors on monday, as they've found I'm anemic. Sigh.
Then had to go get a blood test.
Last night was Sands, I really enjoyed it. Was a little sad as neither Jean nor Sam could make it. So I was like Who takes the LEAD?! but thankfully we all just nattered as normal.
Today is a peaceful day /cheer
Tomorrow hve a scan, to check cervix. Which really hurts, He really digs it in to my bone =(
Friday another peaceful day, but Karens of work /cheer. So will be busy with her =)
And Saturday another scan...
which I keep meaning to ring about.


It says I don't need a full bladder. Common sence says I should drink a little... But I still want to ring to make sure I do need some water in my bladder rather than none..

I felt bloomin awful during the day yesterday. I was never this ill when I was pregnant with Sophie. Only had the pains and the headaches. But by 10 weeks I was smashing. But I'm nearly 11 now, and I'm still now 100%

But I am happy.

Happy I'm still pregnant.

meh Doctors just rang. Saying I have something wrong with my blood tests. A vitaman deficiancy. Not sure why... as I eat fruit, an veg..

Been busy this week.

Sadly Stephens been away woking on HMS Daring, since sunday night. First time apart since september 27th... sigh lol.
But I made it. Today is the last day, and hes back tonight /cheer

I went to the midwife on tuesday.
Dr Davies at warmemorial on wednesday
Cinima to watch Marley and Me on wednesday evening, and chips for tea!
Then Dr Davies at St Marys Hospital today!

My Midwife is Jackie, she is amazing. Never had children her self. But she understands me , and my loss a lot more. She can imagine how she would feel if it happened to her, so she simpathises more with me. Amazing ..

Today had a scan of my little "Bean!" and the baby looked beautiful! I could see its heart, and it wiggling about. So excited, Sad that stephen didnt see it tho. But Dr Davies gave me free Pix of it for him /cheer

So excited for when Stephen comes home! going to get him to scan them in to the pc for me, then I can show themto D&T and Kath/linds etc
SOOOooooo Excited :d

Melissa

I don't know how to describe Melissa, other than she is like my own Guardian Angel. I feel God sent her to me, to give me hope.

I met her when I was 15, she was a missionary/Morman. I loved the fact that she was an American. Melissa and Sister Bowls. God they brought me sunshine in a life that seemed dark. I'd recently tried to overdose, and failed. I was being bullied, and I had so many problems. I just wanted the cowards way out.
Melissa became a good friend, and my Angel xxx. I know shes just a human being and one day she may disapoint me. But she hasn't and I'm 23 now! We did loose touch for a while. and through every miscarriage, and when Sophie died I ached for her to tell me it wasn't my fault. That God wasn't punishing me. I really did.

It wasn't till Sophie died that I started searching online for her new address. I had to pay for it in the end. And I gave up hope on monday night. I remember sitting here at my pc thinking she never replied. So she must not have gotten my mail. My chance to be told I wasn't a bad person, and that God loved me was gone.

But the next morning there a letter was with her name on it. She had gotten my letters. and her baby is no longer a baby, and she now has 2 children! I was so happy for her.

I just held the envolope to my chest, trying not to cry. And I refused to read it, until I finished cooking my lunch. Then I read it. And I was so happy that her life is still great, and that she still loves God, and knows that he loves her.

I am grateful for the internet, and for God letting me get her back again. I've already wrote about 9 pages of A5 and still haven't finished. Shes an amazing person. I just hope God keeps blessing her xxx

Scan + sands lady

It's been a while, and a lot has happened. I'd gone back to the doctors after another blood test. And it had gone up again.
6k first test
36k second test
74k third test

Doctor finally sent me for a scan, i was a little worried as the ladies didn't seem so positive about people getting scans... (Haslar hospital is a naval hospital and its closing down) So I walked home shattered, and angry.

But thankfully the next day I got a phone call, asking me to go for a scan the next morning. So ofcourse I went! I saw the baby, Stephen kept pretty quiet. The lady was unsure of how many babies there were... The part she thought was the yolk had an echo, so she asked to do an internal scan to check. I got all excited on my little skip to the bathroom to empty my bladder. Then when I was washing my hands, I looked in the mirror.
It was like it hit me then, If it is my cervix.. How will I hold twins if I can't hold one tiny beautiful baby like Sophie. So I started to get scared.
It wasn't till she next spoke that I realised I was holding my breath. And she gave me a little hope, as she told me it was defently the yolk. So maybe just maybe God will let me keep this little bean inside of me.
I dont know why but I have this habbit since Sophie, that I called her grape... because her sac was the shape of a grape, and she was a pea inside of it. Then this baby is the side of a bean. So here I am ... calling it bean.. Poor baby.

But things are looking good, so I'll keep praying.

I don't know if I mentioned the lady I met in sands Kristy. It was her first time, and I found out that so many years before Sophie was born, she had been in the same hospital- breavement room as I had been. And we both sat there holding our babies, looking at the same photo. I dont know if she thought the same as I did. But when I looked at the photo which was a rainbow, on the left side of the rainbow it looked dark and cloudy. Like how I was laying in the bed, holding my baby. Thats how I felt. It looked like there was no hope, no future. But then theres the rainbow, and theres sunshine on the right side of it. And I kept thinking, I'll make it through this, and I'll reach that side of the rainbow one day.

That maybe just maybe there is hope.

It was beacause of Kristy that I on Sophies Due date, 25th Feb went to the hospital and took a picture of the photograph. And I went to the people who framed it , who will keep an eye out for it. But I sent it to Kodak and printed of a copy, one for Kristy and one for myself.

She said it was the niceest thing anyone had ever done for her. Just because it feels like God deserts us sometimes, doesn't mean people will. She has been through so much pain. Shes such a good person, how can someone so powerful cause someone so amazing so much pain and loss? One day she'll give up hope. I was shocked that she still had hope when I met her. I'm only on my fourth child, and I have no living children. And I think she's had 9 Angels all together. How can there be hope? I am already losing my own hope.

I just pray that she will get her baby to hold in her arms, and watch it grow. I really do pray she doesn't have any more pain. I sometimes wonder, would I give up the chance to have my own child, if God would allow her to have that type of love. I read on Carlys blogs, the type of love that comes from joy. Not sadness or loss. I want Kristy to feel that love, that comes from joy, and from a living breathing heart pounding head screaming baby.

I hope God gives her a break I really do :(