Monday, 27 February 2012
An amazing quote!
"If you know someone who has lost a child or lost anybody who's important to them, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them of is that you remember that they lived, and that's a great, great gift." - Elizabeth Edwards
Monday, 13 February 2012
I knew I loved you
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjnmICxvoVY&ob=av2e
This song makes me think of Sophie a lot. I was just browsing through old bands that I liked, and this song instantly made me think of her.
I often think about the lyrics
"I knew I loved you before I met you"
As it is true, I loved her before I met her. Feeling her move within me, feeling her sharp kicks in t my ribs. Loving how her an her Daddy bonded at night time when we're meant to be going to sleep. I loved her. At 12 weeks when I went to see her as a "real baby" rather than the sack I was so used to seeing in the early weeks.
She was so beautiful. She had an amazing nose, and as soon as I saw it I was in love. She could have asked for the moon and stars, I'd have died trying to give them to her.
"Like in your eyes I see my future in an instant"
You do see your future when you hold your baby, and when holding my Ben I saw a future of this little boy running around, filling my house full of laughter and happiness that my husband and I had been starved of since we lost Sophie..
But before Ben, I held Sophie. And I didn't get to see her eyes, but I imagine they were blue just like her Daddy's. I held her, while she was still alive, knowing she would soon die. And to have my daughter die in my arms, and see that all my hopes and dreams were no longer going to come true. It broke something inside of me.
I knew as I looked down at my baby girl, that had died not seconds before that my life would be bleak with out her.
" I think I dreamed you in to life"
Most of us did dream about our children before they were born. I know I did. I dreamed to get away from the stress I was having with my mother. I dreamed of the day that my daughter and I will be far away from her. Living with my huband, and we'd be happy. I dreamed of her having my husbands eyes, his hair colour, his beautiful mouth. And she did, I am guessing about the eyes but she had the rest!
She was my beautiful little red head.
"And in your eyes I see the missing pieces I have been searching for"
When I look at Sophie's pictures I see my families missing piece. When we go to the park, and Ben plays with a girl around Sophie's age, reminds me of that mising piece.
We won't find that missing piece as it's already gone.
But anything and everything that remind us of them will remind us that we are no longer whole, no longer the same person who smiled as easy as they did before. Or the same person who laughed at something random.
We are different. But it's because of our love for our children that makes us different.
This song makes me think of Sophie a lot. I was just browsing through old bands that I liked, and this song instantly made me think of her.
I often think about the lyrics
"I knew I loved you before I met you"
As it is true, I loved her before I met her. Feeling her move within me, feeling her sharp kicks in t my ribs. Loving how her an her Daddy bonded at night time when we're meant to be going to sleep. I loved her. At 12 weeks when I went to see her as a "real baby" rather than the sack I was so used to seeing in the early weeks.
She was so beautiful. She had an amazing nose, and as soon as I saw it I was in love. She could have asked for the moon and stars, I'd have died trying to give them to her.
"Like in your eyes I see my future in an instant"
You do see your future when you hold your baby, and when holding my Ben I saw a future of this little boy running around, filling my house full of laughter and happiness that my husband and I had been starved of since we lost Sophie..
But before Ben, I held Sophie. And I didn't get to see her eyes, but I imagine they were blue just like her Daddy's. I held her, while she was still alive, knowing she would soon die. And to have my daughter die in my arms, and see that all my hopes and dreams were no longer going to come true. It broke something inside of me.
I knew as I looked down at my baby girl, that had died not seconds before that my life would be bleak with out her.
" I think I dreamed you in to life"
Most of us did dream about our children before they were born. I know I did. I dreamed to get away from the stress I was having with my mother. I dreamed of the day that my daughter and I will be far away from her. Living with my huband, and we'd be happy. I dreamed of her having my husbands eyes, his hair colour, his beautiful mouth. And she did, I am guessing about the eyes but she had the rest!
She was my beautiful little red head.
"And in your eyes I see the missing pieces I have been searching for"
When I look at Sophie's pictures I see my families missing piece. When we go to the park, and Ben plays with a girl around Sophie's age, reminds me of that mising piece.
We won't find that missing piece as it's already gone.
But anything and everything that remind us of them will remind us that we are no longer whole, no longer the same person who smiled as easy as they did before. Or the same person who laughed at something random.
We are different. But it's because of our love for our children that makes us different.
Sunday, 12 February 2012
A little girl named Sarah
Steve and I took Ben to feed the swans yesterday. He immediately made friends with a little girl whom I later asked her dad how old she was, and found out she was nearly three. Just like Sophie should have been this month, if she'd gone full term.
I watched her play with Ben, and I wanted to scream at how awful this world was.
That my son shouldn't be playing with this beautiful little girl, that he should be chasing his sister Sophie around the park. Playing trains together, watching the lion king together.
So yes. I watched with a heavy heart.
Hoping that I am wrong, that God is real , that there is a heaven. And that one day when I'm 80 or so that I will get to live the life I wanted to live in Heaven and do the things I wanted with all my children.
Ben adored Sarah, and when ever she went out of his sight, he'd stop and spin till he found her. He would get slightly upset if he had to look too long.
But she was very accommodating and waved at him, or got him to get on the climbing frame with her, or on the swing. He had so much fun, and was upset when it was time for her to go.
I was a little sad too, watching her walk away holding her Daddy's hand. Wishing that one day Sophie would be holding her Daddy's hand once again.
I watched her play with Ben, and I wanted to scream at how awful this world was.
That my son shouldn't be playing with this beautiful little girl, that he should be chasing his sister Sophie around the park. Playing trains together, watching the lion king together.
So yes. I watched with a heavy heart.
Hoping that I am wrong, that God is real , that there is a heaven. And that one day when I'm 80 or so that I will get to live the life I wanted to live in Heaven and do the things I wanted with all my children.
Ben adored Sarah, and when ever she went out of his sight, he'd stop and spin till he found her. He would get slightly upset if he had to look too long.
But she was very accommodating and waved at him, or got him to get on the climbing frame with her, or on the swing. He had so much fun, and was upset when it was time for her to go.
I was a little sad too, watching her walk away holding her Daddy's hand. Wishing that one day Sophie would be holding her Daddy's hand once again.
People Forget
I thought losing my daughter, and having to live each day without her would be the only things I'd have to deal with. But it's not.Ever since her death, I've noticed people forget. Or even refuse to speak of her , or say her name.
I've had one person say to me when I was speaking of another little girl I knew, but this person obviously misunderstood and thought I was talking about Sophie. "Don't even go there Sam, it's not worth it"
I knew exactly what she meant, and whom she was referring too.
They think they mean well, but it'd have been easier and less painful to stick a knife right in to my chest.
Why do people forget?
Why do people tell me I'm lucky as I have Ben?
Why do people who have never lost a child tell us to get over it?
Why do people who were there when my daughter was born, and died never mention her name? act like she never existed?
Are people not aware that their actions are only pouring salt in an never healing wound. I realise that some only try to save you pain by not mentioning their names, or speaking of them. But some are just so self centered that they can't see the wood for the trees, or how ever that saying goes!
Makes me furious to see friends that have also lost, going through each day with this sort of behaviour.
I miss her. When she died, a part of me died with her. I mourn the loss of my daughter and the person I used to be.
I mourn each day the life I have lost, I mourn the hugs I'm never going to give her, the kisses on her head.
Each night when I tuck my son in to bed I mourn the fact I should be tucking in two children rather than one.
I am lucky to have Ben, but unless you've buried a child yourself, or suffered with trying for a baby for several years. Please Please keep your hurtful comments to yourself.
Friday, 27 January 2012
It's been a while...
It has been an awfully long time since I posted on here, it doesn't mean my grief suddenly disappeared. It just meant I have less time than previously.
At the moment I'm waiting for my husband to return from Crete! I'm sure your thinking lucky git, but sadly it was work! So not so lucky!
Like today, I still find myself in tears over the loss of Sophie. Thinking of how life is just not fair. That I did everything right, yet I still had to say goodbye. The tears don't come often, more so lately than before. for reasons I'll talk about either later in this post, or another time!
One of the main things that keeps popping up in my head recently is, there are so many horrid people out there. Why couldn't they have died? Why couldn't I bring home my innocent daughter, that had done nothing wrong but be born early.
I looked at my son today, and I thought about everything he doesn't know about Sophie, and everything he'll never know. All the things he'll never learn from her, all the cuddles he'll never receive from her.. you get the gist I guess!
But yes, that's what I though of today as well. I turned my back on him and sobbed in to the sleeve of my jumper. Then when I put him to bed I listened to a few tracks that I know I shouldn't listen too,
The glee project - Please don't leave me
Always gets me going! I always sob when singing along to this. It always makes me think of Sophie.
At the moment I'm waiting for my husband to return from Crete! I'm sure your thinking lucky git, but sadly it was work! So not so lucky!
Like today, I still find myself in tears over the loss of Sophie. Thinking of how life is just not fair. That I did everything right, yet I still had to say goodbye. The tears don't come often, more so lately than before. for reasons I'll talk about either later in this post, or another time!
One of the main things that keeps popping up in my head recently is, there are so many horrid people out there. Why couldn't they have died? Why couldn't I bring home my innocent daughter, that had done nothing wrong but be born early.
I looked at my son today, and I thought about everything he doesn't know about Sophie, and everything he'll never know. All the things he'll never learn from her, all the cuddles he'll never receive from her.. you get the gist I guess!
But yes, that's what I though of today as well. I turned my back on him and sobbed in to the sleeve of my jumper. Then when I put him to bed I listened to a few tracks that I know I shouldn't listen too,
The glee project - Please don't leave me
Always gets me going! I always sob when singing along to this. It always makes me think of Sophie.
Monday, 27 April 2009
Questions
How long has it been since you lost your child/ren? Has your grief changed at all? Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes?
It'll be 6 months on May 4th. At first i was numb, I remember going through labour, holding Sophie watching her die in my arms. Have them tell me 3 hours after I gave birth to her that her hearts stopped while I'm holding her. I wanted to scream at them. Its like I was just watching myself go through it all.
I couldnt understand why I didn't scream and shout at them to try harder with her when they stopped trying to help her. I wanted to hit them, I went through all that and I had to watch my little angel die. And no matter how hard I held her, she still left me.
I dont like emotions, I dont see the point in crying as it wont bring her back to me. I just end up letting things build up till I break down. It feels like things are getting worse, that I don't understand how i can cope with her being gone. Then sometimes I feel like how can it have happened, babies dont die. These sorts of things happen to other people, not me.
How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?
I hate seeing pregnant women that smoke, or are drinking alcohol. It makes me so mad. I tried so hard to be healthy. I've never smoked, never done drugs, and i rarely drink. And I never drank while pregnant. I was a good little girl! Seriously. I hate those people. A girl at my work, got pregnant just after me. And boy she was annoyed. She hated that she had to give up sport, she wished she wasn't pregnant. And I was happy, i was. I was so happy that I was going to have a baby.
Whats your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child/ren? Do you go to counseling? Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? What helps you?
I just lay in bed a lot, Ask for snuggles of my partner. And hug Sophies hat. Cant sleep without the hat.
I tried mental health team, but none of them understood, none of them have lost a child. So they just kept saying I need to get over it. it made me so mad. I've been growing flowers recently that has helped watching them grow, and knowing they'll be on Sophies grave soon.
It'll be 6 months on May 4th. At first i was numb, I remember going through labour, holding Sophie watching her die in my arms. Have them tell me 3 hours after I gave birth to her that her hearts stopped while I'm holding her. I wanted to scream at them. Its like I was just watching myself go through it all.
I couldnt understand why I didn't scream and shout at them to try harder with her when they stopped trying to help her. I wanted to hit them, I went through all that and I had to watch my little angel die. And no matter how hard I held her, she still left me.
I dont like emotions, I dont see the point in crying as it wont bring her back to me. I just end up letting things build up till I break down. It feels like things are getting worse, that I don't understand how i can cope with her being gone. Then sometimes I feel like how can it have happened, babies dont die. These sorts of things happen to other people, not me.
How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?
I hate seeing pregnant women that smoke, or are drinking alcohol. It makes me so mad. I tried so hard to be healthy. I've never smoked, never done drugs, and i rarely drink. And I never drank while pregnant. I was a good little girl! Seriously. I hate those people. A girl at my work, got pregnant just after me. And boy she was annoyed. She hated that she had to give up sport, she wished she wasn't pregnant. And I was happy, i was. I was so happy that I was going to have a baby.
Whats your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child/ren? Do you go to counseling? Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? What helps you?
I just lay in bed a lot, Ask for snuggles of my partner. And hug Sophies hat. Cant sleep without the hat.
I tried mental health team, but none of them understood, none of them have lost a child. So they just kept saying I need to get over it. it made me so mad. I've been growing flowers recently that has helped watching them grow, and knowing they'll be on Sophies grave soon.
Wednesday, 1 April 2009
Busy again this week!
Had to go to the doctors on monday, as they've found I'm anemic. Sigh.
Then had to go get a blood test.
Last night was Sands, I really enjoyed it. Was a little sad as neither Jean nor Sam could make it. So I was like Who takes the LEAD?! but thankfully we all just nattered as normal.
Today is a peaceful day /cheer
Tomorrow hve a scan, to check cervix. Which really hurts, He really digs it in to my bone =(
Friday another peaceful day, but Karens of work /cheer. So will be busy with her =)
And Saturday another scan...
which I keep meaning to ring about.
It says I don't need a full bladder. Common sence says I should drink a little... But I still want to ring to make sure I do need some water in my bladder rather than none..
I felt bloomin awful during the day yesterday. I was never this ill when I was pregnant with Sophie. Only had the pains and the headaches. But by 10 weeks I was smashing. But I'm nearly 11 now, and I'm still now 100%
But I am happy.
Happy I'm still pregnant.
meh Doctors just rang. Saying I have something wrong with my blood tests. A vitaman deficiancy. Not sure why... as I eat fruit, an veg..
Had to go to the doctors on monday, as they've found I'm anemic. Sigh.
Then had to go get a blood test.
Last night was Sands, I really enjoyed it. Was a little sad as neither Jean nor Sam could make it. So I was like Who takes the LEAD?! but thankfully we all just nattered as normal.
Today is a peaceful day /cheer
Tomorrow hve a scan, to check cervix. Which really hurts, He really digs it in to my bone =(
Friday another peaceful day, but Karens of work /cheer. So will be busy with her =)
And Saturday another scan...
which I keep meaning to ring about.
It says I don't need a full bladder. Common sence says I should drink a little... But I still want to ring to make sure I do need some water in my bladder rather than none..
I felt bloomin awful during the day yesterday. I was never this ill when I was pregnant with Sophie. Only had the pains and the headaches. But by 10 weeks I was smashing. But I'm nearly 11 now, and I'm still now 100%
But I am happy.
Happy I'm still pregnant.
meh Doctors just rang. Saying I have something wrong with my blood tests. A vitaman deficiancy. Not sure why... as I eat fruit, an veg..
Thursday, 19 March 2009
Been busy this week.
Sadly Stephens been away woking on HMS Daring, since sunday night. First time apart since september 27th... sigh lol.
But I made it. Today is the last day, and hes back tonight /cheer
I went to the midwife on tuesday.
Dr Davies at warmemorial on wednesday
Cinima to watch Marley and Me on wednesday evening, and chips for tea!
Then Dr Davies at St Marys Hospital today!
My Midwife is Jackie, she is amazing. Never had children her self. But she understands me , and my loss a lot more. She can imagine how she would feel if it happened to her, so she simpathises more with me. Amazing ..
Today had a scan of my little "Bean!" and the baby looked beautiful! I could see its heart, and it wiggling about. So excited, Sad that stephen didnt see it tho. But Dr Davies gave me free Pix of it for him /cheer
So excited for when Stephen comes home! going to get him to scan them in to the pc for me, then I can show themto D&T and Kath/linds etc
SOOOooooo Excited :d
Sadly Stephens been away woking on HMS Daring, since sunday night. First time apart since september 27th... sigh lol.
But I made it. Today is the last day, and hes back tonight /cheer
I went to the midwife on tuesday.
Dr Davies at warmemorial on wednesday
Cinima to watch Marley and Me on wednesday evening, and chips for tea!
Then Dr Davies at St Marys Hospital today!
My Midwife is Jackie, she is amazing. Never had children her self. But she understands me , and my loss a lot more. She can imagine how she would feel if it happened to her, so she simpathises more with me. Amazing ..
Today had a scan of my little "Bean!" and the baby looked beautiful! I could see its heart, and it wiggling about. So excited, Sad that stephen didnt see it tho. But Dr Davies gave me free Pix of it for him /cheer
So excited for when Stephen comes home! going to get him to scan them in to the pc for me, then I can show themto D&T and Kath/linds etc
SOOOooooo Excited :d
Wednesday, 11 March 2009
Melissa
I don't know how to describe Melissa, other than she is like my own Guardian Angel. I feel God sent her to me, to give me hope.
I met her when I was 15, she was a missionary/Morman. I loved the fact that she was an American. Melissa and Sister Bowls. God they brought me sunshine in a life that seemed dark. I'd recently tried to overdose, and failed. I was being bullied, and I had so many problems. I just wanted the cowards way out.
Melissa became a good friend, and my Angel xxx. I know shes just a human being and one day she may disapoint me. But she hasn't and I'm 23 now! We did loose touch for a while. and through every miscarriage, and when Sophie died I ached for her to tell me it wasn't my fault. That God wasn't punishing me. I really did.
It wasn't till Sophie died that I started searching online for her new address. I had to pay for it in the end. And I gave up hope on monday night. I remember sitting here at my pc thinking she never replied. So she must not have gotten my mail. My chance to be told I wasn't a bad person, and that God loved me was gone.
But the next morning there a letter was with her name on it. She had gotten my letters. and her baby is no longer a baby, and she now has 2 children! I was so happy for her.
I just held the envolope to my chest, trying not to cry. And I refused to read it, until I finished cooking my lunch. Then I read it. And I was so happy that her life is still great, and that she still loves God, and knows that he loves her.
I am grateful for the internet, and for God letting me get her back again. I've already wrote about 9 pages of A5 and still haven't finished. Shes an amazing person. I just hope God keeps blessing her xxx
I met her when I was 15, she was a missionary/Morman. I loved the fact that she was an American. Melissa and Sister Bowls. God they brought me sunshine in a life that seemed dark. I'd recently tried to overdose, and failed. I was being bullied, and I had so many problems. I just wanted the cowards way out.
Melissa became a good friend, and my Angel xxx. I know shes just a human being and one day she may disapoint me. But she hasn't and I'm 23 now! We did loose touch for a while. and through every miscarriage, and when Sophie died I ached for her to tell me it wasn't my fault. That God wasn't punishing me. I really did.
It wasn't till Sophie died that I started searching online for her new address. I had to pay for it in the end. And I gave up hope on monday night. I remember sitting here at my pc thinking she never replied. So she must not have gotten my mail. My chance to be told I wasn't a bad person, and that God loved me was gone.
But the next morning there a letter was with her name on it. She had gotten my letters. and her baby is no longer a baby, and she now has 2 children! I was so happy for her.
I just held the envolope to my chest, trying not to cry. And I refused to read it, until I finished cooking my lunch. Then I read it. And I was so happy that her life is still great, and that she still loves God, and knows that he loves her.
I am grateful for the internet, and for God letting me get her back again. I've already wrote about 9 pages of A5 and still haven't finished. Shes an amazing person. I just hope God keeps blessing her xxx
Scan + sands lady
It's been a while, and a lot has happened. I'd gone back to the doctors after another blood test. And it had gone up again.
6k first test
36k second test
74k third test
Doctor finally sent me for a scan, i was a little worried as the ladies didn't seem so positive about people getting scans... (Haslar hospital is a naval hospital and its closing down) So I walked home shattered, and angry.
But thankfully the next day I got a phone call, asking me to go for a scan the next morning. So ofcourse I went! I saw the baby, Stephen kept pretty quiet. The lady was unsure of how many babies there were... The part she thought was the yolk had an echo, so she asked to do an internal scan to check. I got all excited on my little skip to the bathroom to empty my bladder. Then when I was washing my hands, I looked in the mirror.
It was like it hit me then, If it is my cervix.. How will I hold twins if I can't hold one tiny beautiful baby like Sophie. So I started to get scared.
It wasn't till she next spoke that I realised I was holding my breath. And she gave me a little hope, as she told me it was defently the yolk. So maybe just maybe God will let me keep this little bean inside of me.
I dont know why but I have this habbit since Sophie, that I called her grape... because her sac was the shape of a grape, and she was a pea inside of it. Then this baby is the side of a bean. So here I am ... calling it bean.. Poor baby.
But things are looking good, so I'll keep praying.
I don't know if I mentioned the lady I met in sands Kristy. It was her first time, and I found out that so many years before Sophie was born, she had been in the same hospital- breavement room as I had been. And we both sat there holding our babies, looking at the same photo. I dont know if she thought the same as I did. But when I looked at the photo which was a rainbow, on the left side of the rainbow it looked dark and cloudy. Like how I was laying in the bed, holding my baby. Thats how I felt. It looked like there was no hope, no future. But then theres the rainbow, and theres sunshine on the right side of it. And I kept thinking, I'll make it through this, and I'll reach that side of the rainbow one day.
That maybe just maybe there is hope.
It was beacause of Kristy that I on Sophies Due date, 25th Feb went to the hospital and took a picture of the photograph. And I went to the people who framed it , who will keep an eye out for it. But I sent it to Kodak and printed of a copy, one for Kristy and one for myself.
She said it was the niceest thing anyone had ever done for her. Just because it feels like God deserts us sometimes, doesn't mean people will. She has been through so much pain. Shes such a good person, how can someone so powerful cause someone so amazing so much pain and loss? One day she'll give up hope. I was shocked that she still had hope when I met her. I'm only on my fourth child, and I have no living children. And I think she's had 9 Angels all together. How can there be hope? I am already losing my own hope.
I just pray that she will get her baby to hold in her arms, and watch it grow. I really do pray she doesn't have any more pain. I sometimes wonder, would I give up the chance to have my own child, if God would allow her to have that type of love. I read on Carlys blogs, the type of love that comes from joy. Not sadness or loss. I want Kristy to feel that love, that comes from joy, and from a living breathing heart pounding head screaming baby.
I hope God gives her a break I really do :(
6k first test
36k second test
74k third test
Doctor finally sent me for a scan, i was a little worried as the ladies didn't seem so positive about people getting scans... (Haslar hospital is a naval hospital and its closing down) So I walked home shattered, and angry.
But thankfully the next day I got a phone call, asking me to go for a scan the next morning. So ofcourse I went! I saw the baby, Stephen kept pretty quiet. The lady was unsure of how many babies there were... The part she thought was the yolk had an echo, so she asked to do an internal scan to check. I got all excited on my little skip to the bathroom to empty my bladder. Then when I was washing my hands, I looked in the mirror.
It was like it hit me then, If it is my cervix.. How will I hold twins if I can't hold one tiny beautiful baby like Sophie. So I started to get scared.
It wasn't till she next spoke that I realised I was holding my breath. And she gave me a little hope, as she told me it was defently the yolk. So maybe just maybe God will let me keep this little bean inside of me.
I dont know why but I have this habbit since Sophie, that I called her grape... because her sac was the shape of a grape, and she was a pea inside of it. Then this baby is the side of a bean. So here I am ... calling it bean.. Poor baby.
But things are looking good, so I'll keep praying.
I don't know if I mentioned the lady I met in sands Kristy. It was her first time, and I found out that so many years before Sophie was born, she had been in the same hospital- breavement room as I had been. And we both sat there holding our babies, looking at the same photo. I dont know if she thought the same as I did. But when I looked at the photo which was a rainbow, on the left side of the rainbow it looked dark and cloudy. Like how I was laying in the bed, holding my baby. Thats how I felt. It looked like there was no hope, no future. But then theres the rainbow, and theres sunshine on the right side of it. And I kept thinking, I'll make it through this, and I'll reach that side of the rainbow one day.
That maybe just maybe there is hope.
It was beacause of Kristy that I on Sophies Due date, 25th Feb went to the hospital and took a picture of the photograph. And I went to the people who framed it , who will keep an eye out for it. But I sent it to Kodak and printed of a copy, one for Kristy and one for myself.
She said it was the niceest thing anyone had ever done for her. Just because it feels like God deserts us sometimes, doesn't mean people will. She has been through so much pain. Shes such a good person, how can someone so powerful cause someone so amazing so much pain and loss? One day she'll give up hope. I was shocked that she still had hope when I met her. I'm only on my fourth child, and I have no living children. And I think she's had 9 Angels all together. How can there be hope? I am already losing my own hope.
I just pray that she will get her baby to hold in her arms, and watch it grow. I really do pray she doesn't have any more pain. I sometimes wonder, would I give up the chance to have my own child, if God would allow her to have that type of love. I read on Carlys blogs, the type of love that comes from joy. Not sadness or loss. I want Kristy to feel that love, that comes from joy, and from a living breathing heart pounding head screaming baby.
I hope God gives her a break I really do :(
Friday, 27 February 2009
hcg levels are on the up!
The day is finally nearing an end!
My Hcg levels have shot up! exact words my Doctor used. So I kept my excitement in check in case I misunderstood. I questioned what he had said, and he explained they had gone from 6k up to 36k within 6 days. I could have jumped up and down right then and there.
I prayed and prayed to God, and my Sister Kathryn bless her heart, prayed for me too. And the women on Ourforeverbabies sent there best wishes and prayed for me too. And my little grape the 2nd is hanging on.
Because the doctors had been running late, Stephen offered to cancel the vets appointment. I was shocked! My Fudge is my baby too! Yes he's a rabbit... But I love him, and if he had something seriously wrong with him I'd never forgive myself if I hadn't taken him. So I said to Stephen I could do the waiting by myself, and for him to take Fudge. Which he did.
So I sat there for what seemed like years, expecting bad news. Then it turned out to be fantastic news.
Stephen is happy for me.. But he doesn't want a baby at this moment. It hurts. He had wondered off when I had been talking to Charlotte, and I followed him upstairs eventually, and he wasnt in our room. Turned out he had been in Peters room, telling him about what had gone on today. He then went and told his parents. All without me... We're suposed to be getting married, and he's solo'ing everything.
He isnt happy, and I expect he told everyone again that he didnt want the baby. It makes me feel dreadful. It's like my mother when I was pregnant with Sophie all over again. I can't put myself through that. It makes me want to run away.
Maybe its the hormones.. Maybe I'm reading in to everything way to much. Or maybe I need a break away from everything. And just concentraite on being happy, happy that I'm going to be having another baby. Or that God gave me another chance, maybe he'll take this one away too, or maybe this one he'll let me keep till the day I'm buried. I know which one I want.
I don't understand Stephen, what I am meant to say to him? Am I surposed to tell him he hurts me by telling everyone he doesn't want it. I just feel like hitting my head against a wall, its de ja vu all over again. I should run away now while I still can.
Not one of his family said congratulations, or offered me support saying he'll come around. It feels like I'm all alone here. I'm really looking forward to Doreane and Tina coming tomorrow, there excited about it. They will restore my faith in the happyness this baby is going to bring.
This baby is what is going to heal me after Sophie. This baby is going to bring back my hopes, my dreams. And I'm going to love this baby, just as much as I loved Sophie.
I really don't understand people sometimes, I really don't
My Hcg levels have shot up! exact words my Doctor used. So I kept my excitement in check in case I misunderstood. I questioned what he had said, and he explained they had gone from 6k up to 36k within 6 days. I could have jumped up and down right then and there.
I prayed and prayed to God, and my Sister Kathryn bless her heart, prayed for me too. And the women on Ourforeverbabies sent there best wishes and prayed for me too. And my little grape the 2nd is hanging on.
Because the doctors had been running late, Stephen offered to cancel the vets appointment. I was shocked! My Fudge is my baby too! Yes he's a rabbit... But I love him, and if he had something seriously wrong with him I'd never forgive myself if I hadn't taken him. So I said to Stephen I could do the waiting by myself, and for him to take Fudge. Which he did.
So I sat there for what seemed like years, expecting bad news. Then it turned out to be fantastic news.
Stephen is happy for me.. But he doesn't want a baby at this moment. It hurts. He had wondered off when I had been talking to Charlotte, and I followed him upstairs eventually, and he wasnt in our room. Turned out he had been in Peters room, telling him about what had gone on today. He then went and told his parents. All without me... We're suposed to be getting married, and he's solo'ing everything.
He isnt happy, and I expect he told everyone again that he didnt want the baby. It makes me feel dreadful. It's like my mother when I was pregnant with Sophie all over again. I can't put myself through that. It makes me want to run away.
Maybe its the hormones.. Maybe I'm reading in to everything way to much. Or maybe I need a break away from everything. And just concentraite on being happy, happy that I'm going to be having another baby. Or that God gave me another chance, maybe he'll take this one away too, or maybe this one he'll let me keep till the day I'm buried. I know which one I want.
I don't understand Stephen, what I am meant to say to him? Am I surposed to tell him he hurts me by telling everyone he doesn't want it. I just feel like hitting my head against a wall, its de ja vu all over again. I should run away now while I still can.
Not one of his family said congratulations, or offered me support saying he'll come around. It feels like I'm all alone here. I'm really looking forward to Doreane and Tina coming tomorrow, there excited about it. They will restore my faith in the happyness this baby is going to bring.
This baby is what is going to heal me after Sophie. This baby is going to bring back my hopes, my dreams. And I'm going to love this baby, just as much as I loved Sophie.
I really don't understand people sometimes, I really don't
Love Reign over me *Under the tree* questions
How long have you been blogging for? Why did you start? What do you want from writing?
I have been blogging on and off on several sites for quite a few years. I started because of problems I was having with an ex partner. I was unhappy, and I realised I had been taking my unhappyness out on him. What I wanted was to have a clear head, to understand how I felt. And to get that I had to write about things, going on in my life, in my head, and in my heart.
Where is safest place for you to share your feelings? Is there anywhere you feel completely accepted just being however you are really feeling?
Normally the safest place for me to share my feelings, are with my partner now of nearly 3 years. Stephen. He's been my rock.
But recently he hasn't really understood how I've been feeling, nor what I feel I need, or want in his case. He doesn't understand me anymore. I used to believe we were two halfs of a hole, but I'm starting to believe I was wrong. Maybe he was right, we're two seperate people, no one has a soulmate.
Lucky for me, I contacted the group "Sands" and I found some wonderful women. Whom, like me have lost there own little angel. Some have lost more than one angel. I finally believe I've found people that understand how I feel, what I want and desire. Everything.
My partner sat there telling them about how I'd been feeling, and what I'd done. And they nodded, and said it was normal. That they themselves have been there, and that they got through.
Can you recommend any books that you have read that have given you a new insight, hope or courage in this new life you find yourself in?
*Sigh* I spent over £100 on books, about coping with the loss of a child. And I didnt like any of them. I didn't feel any of those people understood, or even came near to how I felt.
Except the one book,
An Empty Cradle, a Full Heart: Reflections for Mothers and Fathers After Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Infant Death- by Christine O'Keeffe Lafser
Sometimes I find that I have lost faith in God, especially after Sophie Alice died. I thought I'd done something so bad, that he didn't love me anymore. That he was trying to punish me. But the book gave me faith, that he too loved Sophie Alice so much that he couldn't bare to be apart from her too long. And loaned her to me just long enough for me to see how beautiful she was.
How would you describe yourself before you lost your baby. How have you changed, who are you today?
Before, I was still a nice person. I tried hard to get my mother to love me, be proud of me. I never wanted children though before I had my first miscarriage. I was afried I would hate my children, the way my own mother hated me. That nothing they did would ever be good enough. Or that one day, they might hate me.
Then I had a miscarriage, and I realised I'd found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. And I really did want children. And it was worth the risk of being a bad mother. As I knew Stephen would always be there to set me on the right path.
Another misscarriage went by, and I was more deverstated. Then there was Sophie Alice. My little angel, the angel that made me realise that Love is unconditional. As soon as a mother see's there child, they either feel it or they don't I guess.
And I felt it. I felt the love, and need to be a fantastic mother. A great role model. And Sophie died.
I feel like I've changed, because I have great sadness inside of my heart. I've lost apart of myself when Sophie died. All my hopes and dreams died with her. So now I feel like a broken person, trying to find new dreams and new hopes.
I also try and help other mothers and fathers who have lost there own children. I also started knitting for my Sands group, to help the hospital my baby was born at. So mothers and Fathers out there who suffer the loss of there baby no matter how late or early. That they know people do think there baby is important. That people are out there that understand, and we'll be waiting for them to come to us. So we can all heal together.
How do you think you are coping? Do you see any light in this road or is it all dark right now? Where do you imagine yourself to be in a years time?
I wasn't coping at all. I did not see a light at the end of the road. I did not want too, if I'm honest. My angel had died, my hopes my dreams, everything was gone. How could I even try to see a light? I had no living children. Just Angels in heaven, and I wanted to be with them. To be the Mother I wanted to be.
Thankfully I found Sands, and even after 2 meetings I see a light now. It's a little light but its helping for now.
Another thing that helps my light get brighter, is I've recently found out I was pregnant again. With a little brother or sister for Sophie Alice. Now I am missing Sophie Alice more, and worrying if I'm going to have another Angel in heaven.
I don't imagine anything in a years time. But I hope I am pulling my hair out, changing dirty nappys. Loving my baby everyday, and doing everything for that baby. That I'll never get to do for Sophie Alice.
xxx
Samantha.
http://scarletriver26.blogspot.com/2009/02/tree.html
I have been blogging on and off on several sites for quite a few years. I started because of problems I was having with an ex partner. I was unhappy, and I realised I had been taking my unhappyness out on him. What I wanted was to have a clear head, to understand how I felt. And to get that I had to write about things, going on in my life, in my head, and in my heart.
Where is safest place for you to share your feelings? Is there anywhere you feel completely accepted just being however you are really feeling?
Normally the safest place for me to share my feelings, are with my partner now of nearly 3 years. Stephen. He's been my rock.
But recently he hasn't really understood how I've been feeling, nor what I feel I need, or want in his case. He doesn't understand me anymore. I used to believe we were two halfs of a hole, but I'm starting to believe I was wrong. Maybe he was right, we're two seperate people, no one has a soulmate.
Lucky for me, I contacted the group "Sands" and I found some wonderful women. Whom, like me have lost there own little angel. Some have lost more than one angel. I finally believe I've found people that understand how I feel, what I want and desire. Everything.
My partner sat there telling them about how I'd been feeling, and what I'd done. And they nodded, and said it was normal. That they themselves have been there, and that they got through.
Can you recommend any books that you have read that have given you a new insight, hope or courage in this new life you find yourself in?
*Sigh* I spent over £100 on books, about coping with the loss of a child. And I didnt like any of them. I didn't feel any of those people understood, or even came near to how I felt.
Except the one book,
An Empty Cradle, a Full Heart: Reflections for Mothers and Fathers After Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Infant Death- by Christine O'Keeffe Lafser
Sometimes I find that I have lost faith in God, especially after Sophie Alice died. I thought I'd done something so bad, that he didn't love me anymore. That he was trying to punish me. But the book gave me faith, that he too loved Sophie Alice so much that he couldn't bare to be apart from her too long. And loaned her to me just long enough for me to see how beautiful she was.
How would you describe yourself before you lost your baby. How have you changed, who are you today?
Before, I was still a nice person. I tried hard to get my mother to love me, be proud of me. I never wanted children though before I had my first miscarriage. I was afried I would hate my children, the way my own mother hated me. That nothing they did would ever be good enough. Or that one day, they might hate me.
Then I had a miscarriage, and I realised I'd found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. And I really did want children. And it was worth the risk of being a bad mother. As I knew Stephen would always be there to set me on the right path.
Another misscarriage went by, and I was more deverstated. Then there was Sophie Alice. My little angel, the angel that made me realise that Love is unconditional. As soon as a mother see's there child, they either feel it or they don't I guess.
And I felt it. I felt the love, and need to be a fantastic mother. A great role model. And Sophie died.
I feel like I've changed, because I have great sadness inside of my heart. I've lost apart of myself when Sophie died. All my hopes and dreams died with her. So now I feel like a broken person, trying to find new dreams and new hopes.
I also try and help other mothers and fathers who have lost there own children. I also started knitting for my Sands group, to help the hospital my baby was born at. So mothers and Fathers out there who suffer the loss of there baby no matter how late or early. That they know people do think there baby is important. That people are out there that understand, and we'll be waiting for them to come to us. So we can all heal together.
How do you think you are coping? Do you see any light in this road or is it all dark right now? Where do you imagine yourself to be in a years time?
I wasn't coping at all. I did not see a light at the end of the road. I did not want too, if I'm honest. My angel had died, my hopes my dreams, everything was gone. How could I even try to see a light? I had no living children. Just Angels in heaven, and I wanted to be with them. To be the Mother I wanted to be.
Thankfully I found Sands, and even after 2 meetings I see a light now. It's a little light but its helping for now.
Another thing that helps my light get brighter, is I've recently found out I was pregnant again. With a little brother or sister for Sophie Alice. Now I am missing Sophie Alice more, and worrying if I'm going to have another Angel in heaven.
I don't imagine anything in a years time. But I hope I am pulling my hair out, changing dirty nappys. Loving my baby everyday, and doing everything for that baby. That I'll never get to do for Sophie Alice.
xxx
Samantha.
http://scarletriver26.blogspot.com/2009/02/tree.html
Today is the day
Its a busy day today. Well if you class chatting to Charlotte about stuff while lounging around busy... at 4pm I'll be super busy ofcourse!
Doctors = 4pm
Charlotte seeing doc at = 4:10
Vets = 4:40
Wish is was Vets then Doctors..
What am I going to do if my baby is gone? What if the little thing inside of me that i'm already classing as Grape the 2nd, is dead. I am trying to get my head around the fact that its a possiblity. But I keep hoping.
When I was sick yesterday I hoped it was a sign, the fact my breasts hurta tiny bit that it was a sign.
I don't know how I am going to cope if its bad news. How can my body take out something so innocent, something I want so badly. Something that will make me feel whole again. WHY?!
I know I get excited when Im waiting for things, and hours seem like days, days feel like weeks. But i get through.
Yet I dont feel excited, I feel dread. I'm already thinking the baby is a boy. Which probably means its another girl. I want to smile over the fact I am wrong, that I was wrong last time. But I can't.
How can I smile over something that may never be a girl or boy..
only 3 more hours to go...
Doctors = 4pm
Charlotte seeing doc at = 4:10
Vets = 4:40
Wish is was Vets then Doctors..
What am I going to do if my baby is gone? What if the little thing inside of me that i'm already classing as Grape the 2nd, is dead. I am trying to get my head around the fact that its a possiblity. But I keep hoping.
When I was sick yesterday I hoped it was a sign, the fact my breasts hurta tiny bit that it was a sign.
I don't know how I am going to cope if its bad news. How can my body take out something so innocent, something I want so badly. Something that will make me feel whole again. WHY?!
I know I get excited when Im waiting for things, and hours seem like days, days feel like weeks. But i get through.
Yet I dont feel excited, I feel dread. I'm already thinking the baby is a boy. Which probably means its another girl. I want to smile over the fact I am wrong, that I was wrong last time. But I can't.
How can I smile over something that may never be a girl or boy..
only 3 more hours to go...
Thursday, 26 February 2009
Blood test over and done with
I woke up, and my breasts hurt today. Only slightly!
And I sat eating my fave cereal. Thinking the milk must be off.. but it wasn't.
Then after I finished and went to get my coat upstairs, I was Ill!
Never been so happy about being sick... or having sore boobs!
Hoping it was a sign. I only have one day to wait now. In 24 hours I'll know.
I'll know if my little grape the 2nd is doing ok or not.
And I am praying like mad :(
And I sat eating my fave cereal. Thinking the milk must be off.. but it wasn't.
Then after I finished and went to get my coat upstairs, I was Ill!
Never been so happy about being sick... or having sore boobs!
Hoping it was a sign. I only have one day to wait now. In 24 hours I'll know.
I'll know if my little grape the 2nd is doing ok or not.
And I am praying like mad :(
Tuesday, 24 February 2009
Pregnant again..
I found out on the 9th feb 2009 that I was again pregnant. I felt so happy, that I could finally be able to cope with Sophies death better than I had been. That this little baby inside of me would give me the hope, and courage to carry on living. To be better than I would have been for Sophie.
I told Stephen that night, and he wasn't pleased. "How did you manage that?" It hurt that he said that, but he has a right to say what ever it is in his head. Even more so, if stupid old me asks "What are you thinking?"
We went to the doctors that Friday to have it confirmed. I wanted to ask to keep the test, like I did with Sophie. But I didn't have the courage. I regret that.
That saturday (yes valentines day cheesy) Stephen asked me to marry him. So we went looking for ring on Sunday.
We told his parents on Sunday, I don't think there reactions were well, I dont know if they were scared of another situation like Sophie would happen again. Because I know her death effected them too. I don't really know, I just really hoped they were excited like I was.
I was going to visit my family the following Friday by coach, I was excited about seeing everyone. Had everything planned, Spending friday afternoon with Kathryn, Saturday with Linds and Kathryn. Then Sunday with Tina and Doreane, and Kathryn ofcourse! Then monday Kathryn would have taken me to Coreanes. Then during the week I'd pop in to work to see my work friends and my kids there.
I hit Birminingham and realised I was bleeding, gee... Well I had one leg up on the pokey out bit on the coach and the other on the foot rest. So when I finally felt uncomfy I shifted my legs together and thats when I felt the dampness between them. It took me over 30 mins to look, to check. And yes I was bleeding.
I rang Stephen and My sister, I had texted Stephen that I was bleeding as I couldn't tell him out loud as I was afried people would hear, not sure why. And all I could say to Kathryn will you pick me up if I get of the coach. And without even knowing what was wrong she said yes.
I got up and asked the driver where I was, and paniced when they tried to stop me talking to him. I burst in to tears, and said "I need to get off I'm bleeding" And without knowing why I was bleeding they got of the motoway, and pulled on to the grass on a round about. They rang an abulance, and got a lady to ask me what was wrong. Sigh.
By the time the abulance came , I think I was going in to shock. My finger nails were blue, and I couldn't stop shaking.
Long story short, at the hospital they couldnt tell me why I was bleeding. They couldn't do an Ultra sound, and kept me waiting around for hours, until they told me they couldnt do an ultrasound teh next day either, even though they said they would.
So at 9pm Stephen took me home, knowing I had been bleeding, my womb was closed.
Stephen took me to a private scan LBhealthcare, to find out if i still had the baby inside. And I did, thankfully. The Yolk was there too. She couldn't tell me if it was viable or not, as no echo. It could either mean it was dead, or that I was not 7 weeks pregnant like my doctor worked out.
So I went to my doctors on Monday, and he told me not to get my hopes up. That its probably dead, expect the worst. so I lay in bed all Monday crying my eyes out.
So we're playing the waiting game, i go for a blood test on thursday to have something for my other blood test to go against. as my HCG levels are 6k, so hopefully they'll rise. And the dr said he'd book me a scan within 10 days. To check if there is an echo.
I'm praying, trying to bribe God. Saying I'll be an amazing mother, or I'll take my baby to church, bring it up as a Christian or anything he wanted. Just so I get to have my baby. But God never listens to bargins, never. He didn't when I bargined when I was in labour with Sophie.
How could God let me loose so many babies, how could he take my Sophie? then give me this baby? and let me think its going away.
I really hope it doesn't go away, I dont think I could cope anymore.
I told Stephen that night, and he wasn't pleased. "How did you manage that?" It hurt that he said that, but he has a right to say what ever it is in his head. Even more so, if stupid old me asks "What are you thinking?"
We went to the doctors that Friday to have it confirmed. I wanted to ask to keep the test, like I did with Sophie. But I didn't have the courage. I regret that.
That saturday (yes valentines day cheesy) Stephen asked me to marry him. So we went looking for ring on Sunday.
We told his parents on Sunday, I don't think there reactions were well, I dont know if they were scared of another situation like Sophie would happen again. Because I know her death effected them too. I don't really know, I just really hoped they were excited like I was.
I was going to visit my family the following Friday by coach, I was excited about seeing everyone. Had everything planned, Spending friday afternoon with Kathryn, Saturday with Linds and Kathryn. Then Sunday with Tina and Doreane, and Kathryn ofcourse! Then monday Kathryn would have taken me to Coreanes. Then during the week I'd pop in to work to see my work friends and my kids there.
I hit Birminingham and realised I was bleeding, gee... Well I had one leg up on the pokey out bit on the coach and the other on the foot rest. So when I finally felt uncomfy I shifted my legs together and thats when I felt the dampness between them. It took me over 30 mins to look, to check. And yes I was bleeding.
I rang Stephen and My sister, I had texted Stephen that I was bleeding as I couldn't tell him out loud as I was afried people would hear, not sure why. And all I could say to Kathryn will you pick me up if I get of the coach. And without even knowing what was wrong she said yes.
I got up and asked the driver where I was, and paniced when they tried to stop me talking to him. I burst in to tears, and said "I need to get off I'm bleeding" And without knowing why I was bleeding they got of the motoway, and pulled on to the grass on a round about. They rang an abulance, and got a lady to ask me what was wrong. Sigh.
By the time the abulance came , I think I was going in to shock. My finger nails were blue, and I couldn't stop shaking.
Long story short, at the hospital they couldnt tell me why I was bleeding. They couldn't do an Ultra sound, and kept me waiting around for hours, until they told me they couldnt do an ultrasound teh next day either, even though they said they would.
So at 9pm Stephen took me home, knowing I had been bleeding, my womb was closed.
Stephen took me to a private scan LBhealthcare, to find out if i still had the baby inside. And I did, thankfully. The Yolk was there too. She couldn't tell me if it was viable or not, as no echo. It could either mean it was dead, or that I was not 7 weeks pregnant like my doctor worked out.
So I went to my doctors on Monday, and he told me not to get my hopes up. That its probably dead, expect the worst. so I lay in bed all Monday crying my eyes out.
So we're playing the waiting game, i go for a blood test on thursday to have something for my other blood test to go against. as my HCG levels are 6k, so hopefully they'll rise. And the dr said he'd book me a scan within 10 days. To check if there is an echo.
I'm praying, trying to bribe God. Saying I'll be an amazing mother, or I'll take my baby to church, bring it up as a Christian or anything he wanted. Just so I get to have my baby. But God never listens to bargins, never. He didn't when I bargined when I was in labour with Sophie.
How could God let me loose so many babies, how could he take my Sophie? then give me this baby? and let me think its going away.
I really hope it doesn't go away, I dont think I could cope anymore.
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